Winners Are Losers!
The world you live in values “winning.” Although contrary statements are often expressed, such as, “What matters is that you gave it your best,” or “Don’t be a perfectionist,” it is natural to seek victory. Consequently, you feel unhappy with a second or third place. If you are honest, most believe “winning is everything.” However, such a strategy for families — trying to be a “winner” — could spell disaster and the ultimate loss.
Jack felt that children should never go to bed crying or upset. When he put his three-year-old daughter Karen to bed, he would tuck her in and kiss her. Without fail, she would insist on a bedtime story when he would try to leave her bedroom. Jack would return, open a book, and read. Many nights, even after two or three stories, Karen would still cry if her father left her bedside. Jack would then give in and lay beside Karen, who would eventually fall asleep. This nightly ordeal often took as long as an hour.
Betty, Jack’s wife, was not pleased with how Jack put Karen to bed. She feels if Jack is more assertive, Karen would eventually learn to accept a kiss goodnight, remain quiet, and fall asleep. Betty was jealous of the time Karen had with her father, Jack. She wanted to spend time with him since she hadn’t seen him until he came home late from work. Often, while Jack was trying to get Karen to sleep, Betty would intrude, firing a derogatory at Jack for not taking a stand with Karen and then slamming the door closed.
What is the underlying problem with this conflicted family? Simple. Jack, Betty, and little Karen all want to be winners. Jack wants to ‘win’ with his philosophy, “Children shouldn’t go to bed upset.” Betty wants to, ‘win’ by “forcing Jack to be with her.” Karen wants to ‘win’ her father’s attention as she falls asleep.
In a family, trying to win creates anger and conflict. When it is a pattern repeated over many years, and the anger and resentment become chronic, it can become the overriding mood in the family and make it an unhealthy place to be.
Some people have jobs where winning is everything, such as professional athletes, salespeople, businessmen and women, doctors, lawyers, etc. These jobs are done well by winning! Doctors strive to conquer disease and restore health. Business people try to win against their competitors. Lawyers try to win for clients. However, even though winning is everything in certain sports, trades, and professions — families require a different strategy to succeed. Families need a unique set of rules. One of the most crucial family rules is that losing is OK!
When you and your partner both try to “win,” the inevitable conflict — opposition of wills — will destroy family peace and harmony.
An intelligent husband and wife try to avoid conflict and thus volunteer to “lose.” Losing ensures family peace and harmony — the most essential thing.
Being a ‘family loser’ does not mean one is a loser. It means one is a winner. Losing means prioritizing marital peace and harmony over and above all other issues. Looking at the “big picture,” having marital tranquillity is of far greater value than having all the small things your way.
Notably, this principle of winning by losing applies primarily to minor issues. Significant issues like where to live, whether or not to purchase a new vehicle, and schooling for the children should be decided together.
In Pirkei Avos, a classical text on Jewish ethics, it describes four types of attitudes:
- The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is mine,” is called an ignoramus.
- The person who says, “What is mine is mine, and what is yours is yours,” is called an average person.
- The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours,” is called a righteous person.
- The person who says, “What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine,” is called a wicked person.
We should all strive to be the third kind of personality, the righteous person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours.”
The Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) teaches that when we lose, we win. This is the winning we should all strive toward. The reward is Shalom Bayis, marital peace, and harmony, and this is what matters.
