The Great ‘Tip’ to Marriage Success
After 30-plus years of helping couples improve their marriages, I have learned something significant. The wisdom I am about to share is compelling. Not only will it dramatically upgrade the quality of your marriage, but it will also increase your connection to G-d. Simply be a “giver.” This is the best thing you can do to build your marriage and ensure you do not have problems. Being a giver will immunize your marriage like a vaccine will immunize against serious illness.
The fundamentals of giving are basic. Always put the needs of your partner before your own. When your partner does likewise, it is a very sweet marriage. Putting your partner first does not mean enslaving yourself to your marital partner. Don’t give what you don’t have. If you try to give more than you can, you will not be able to deliver, or you will be resentful, and nobody wants such a gift! For example, if you desperately need some personal time and your partner wants you to spend time with them simultaneously, it is perfectly alright to seek a balance in accordance with your best judgment. You need to be emotionally healthy, and if you give up “too much,” the resentment you may feel could lead to a pushback, which will hurt your partner. Such a situation will not be good for you or your partner.
The more you give, the more you get. By giving, you increase the likelihood that, in turn, your partner will then give to you. And even more important, know that when you give, you score big points with G-d. Only give what you can and what you can live without! Never let pure selfishness get in the way of giving. Selfishness is relationship poison. Giving is a relationship tonic. Giving expresses everything the Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) teaches (see Tanya, a book on Jewish Mysticism written by the first Lubavitcher Rebbe, chapter 32). The Torah teaches us to prioritize the spiritual over the material — to elevate ourselves to that part of our reality where we are all connected and one — over the material world that separates and divides us.
If all of this sounds complicated, it isn’t. Giving is the simplest thing anyone can do. Here are some examples:
- Give your partner your time.
- Give your partner your attention; listen carefully to what they say.
- If your partner wants you to do something, do it as soon as possible.
- If your partner asks you to do a favor, say yes.
- Find creative ways to communicate to your partner that you feel close to them.
- Acknowledge your partner’s importance with a “good morning” or “good night.”
- When it is possible, don’t do anything your partner objects to.
- Before speaking, consider how your partner will react to hearing what you may say. When appropriate, simply be quiet.
- Stay calm.
- Don’t negatively judge your partner, which can lead to anger and criticism.
- Seek ways to make your partner feel secure.
These are just a few samples… and with minimal effort, you can think of many additional ways to make your partner feel good, to make your partner feel you care about them.
From the complex to the simple, it all ends at one point: Be a giver, and you make both G-d and your partner happy.
