The Holy Sexual Union
We all start life as half of a person. When we bond together in marriage with an individual of the opposite sex, we become whole.
Of course, single people — either by age, choice, or circumstances — are good, equal, functional, and respectable human beings and perfect in their own way. However, their full spiritual and physical completion is only possible when they bond with another person in marriage. The reason it is like this is because this is how G-d made the world and has instructed us to choose accordingly. And when we do choose to do as G-d wants, we receive many benefits.
As an analogy, this could be compared to a caterpillar that transforms itself into a butterfly. Upon becoming a butterfly, it has reached its developmental maturity.
The bonding of two beings in marriage is consummated via sexual intercourse.
According to the Zohar (classic text on Jewish mysticism), the couple’s intimate physical unification is the most significant expression of their unity, and this union allows them to achieve a state of human perfection.
Many people are surprised by this. In our Christian / secular culture, many do not see sexuality as an opportunity for spiritual elevation. Instead, they view it as a concession to our lowly natures and, when possible, to be avoided.
The Zohar teaches the opposite — that the greatest holiness is explicitly achieved through a holy sexual union between a husband and wife.
In the Kesuba (Jewish marriage contract), it is the man’s responsibility to make sure that during the sexual act, his wife is provided with the physical and emotional nutrients she requires.
The Zohar explains what a man must do to build the perfect union:
1. Emotional harmony: To prepare her to join him in a mutual desire for their union—to feel loving toward him and wanting to be intimate with him.
2. Pleasurable sexual connection: To make one’s wife sexually fulfilled at the time of their union. This is the connection between their physical bodies to become like one body.
3. Correct thoughts: The couple must join with mutual intention to achieve a greater unification to become one complete creation.
The central place of a couple’s unification is clearly illustrated in the Torah’s description of the first man immediately after being presented with a wife: “Therefore, a man should leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).”
The immediate goal upon the creation of the first two human beings is to become “one flesh. They are to unify their bodies through sexual intercourse. Traditionally, this occurs immediately after the completion of the wedding.
Sexual intercourse, as well as other acts of affection, are central to a healthy marriage. There is an adage, “When the marriage is on the rocks, the rocks are usually in the bed.”
If your physical intimacy needs some tweaking, I encourage you and your partner to make an effort and take the time to build up your passions and increase your mutually enjoyable and consensual sexual activity. Without sexual attraction to one another, building a healthy and long-lasting relationship becomes unnatural and difficult to achieve.
We see that even when a woman is pregnant, nursing, or after menopause, sexual activity is to be engaged in. From a Torah point of view, it is clear that a marriage without sex is imperfect. From an experiential point of view, if physical attraction is missing, much of the pleasure of being a couple is also missing.
Inspired and adapted from: The Zohar Parshas Kedoshim 81B, The Living Marriage by Rabbi Moshe Shuchatowitz.
