The Science of Marriage

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

When “expectations” are unrealistic (either too high or too low)—frustration and disappointment is imminent. When expectations are balanced and realistic, it is relatively easy to feel content. It is essential to marital contentment that expectations are aligned with one’s partner’s aptitude. “He may never be the best communicator, but it is ok.” “She may never be well organized and tidy, but I can live with it.” Adjusting one’s “expectations” to the reality of one’s partner contributes directly to relationship harmony.

As well, all successful couples and families must adapt to changing circumstances. Be it predictable changes—like the birth of children or advancing age—or unanticipated changes such as unemployment or serious illness. All these “challenges” require an adjustment of one’s expectations.

COMMUNICATION

Satisfying conversations between a husband and wife builds closeness and trust. Research has shown that there needs to be at least five positive interactions to each negative one for feelings of closeness. Even one criticism or angry outburst can undo the value of many positive interactions. (The mind remembers negative interactions longer than positive ones!) Understanding this highlights the importance of continually engaging in positive and pleasant communication while minimizing negative interactions. The challenge is producing the greatest positive verbal interactions with the fewest negative interactions.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

The goal of marriage is to live together in peace and harmony. However, for many couples, marriage sometimes includes occasional disagreements or conflicts. When this happens, keeping the conflict small and contained is essential.

Successful conflict resolution requires three primary criteria.
1. Stay respectful: No name-calling, expressions of strong anger, bullying, or attempts to humiliate.
2. Stick to one topic: Stay focused exclusively on the issue at hand. Resist dragging into the conversation other areas of disagreement or disappointment.
3. Keep it small: The disagreement should only last a few minutes and then be quickly set aside, and efforts should be made to restore positive feelings and constructive interactions.

PERSONALITY

It is essential that you are comfortable with your partner’s personality. They don’t have to be exactly like you—in fact, if this were so, it would probably work against you. Remember, during courtship, there was attraction. You chose to marry each other! Even after many years of marriage, that attraction is still there—at least in potential.

True—years of misunderstanding and conflict can create deep resentment. This accumulated negative emotion can change your perception of your partner, preventing you from accurately seeing who they really are. For this reason, conflict should be avoided as much as possible, or at least you should try to look past it when it occurs and seek out the parts of your partner’s personality you like.

RELIGIOUS ORIENTATION

Dissimilar spiritual and cultural differences can stress relationships. Religious orientation includes rules that guide the couple in setting goals, making decisions, and raising children. When religious orientation and culture are similar, this becomes a set of shared values contributing to a healthy and cohesive family.

YOUR TAKE-AWAY

Even though formal training in these personal and relationship dynamics is not readily available, you and your partner can work toward achieving a high score. The more you achieve, the closer and more comfortable you will feel with each other, and the greater the likelihood your relationship will last the distance.

Take a few moments and review these five scales. With your partner, generate a list of suggestions that, when implemented, will give you the loving relationship you seek. Unlike what many believe, relationship harmony is not “chemistry,”—rather, it is hard work leading to concrete relationship skills . . . so roll up your sleeves and get started!

Perkei Avos (book of ethical teachings) asks: “Which is the right path a person should choose?” Answer: “That which is honorable and brings honor from others . . .” Thus, the “honorable path” is a path that is good for both individuals.

A high score in these five scales is all honorable meeting places where partners can create relationship happiness. Research shows that couples that score high in these five areas, although not necessarily perfect in every way, share happy and meaningful lives.