Relationships Can Get Better
When marital problems seem chronic and severe, divorce is one way the problem is seemingly solved. Currently, divorce statistics fluctuate at around 50%. Divorce creates great personal pain for each partner, which often must be endured for years. If there are children, the pain and loss is immeasurable. Research is conclusive that most children are severely challenged when experiencing a divorce in many different ways. They are more likely to have emotional difficulties and problems in school, engage in substance abuse, and rebel against authority.
Husbands and wives, after divorcing, typically experience severe loneliness, anxiety, and sadness. Most divorced people remarry again within three years. Despite the previous experience, the success rate for second marriages is relatively low. The problem is that people often repeat destructive patterns in their second (and at times third and fourth) marriages because they remarry without understanding what went wrong the first time.
Rather than take responsibility and learn from what went wrong in the previous marriage, they tend to blame their ex-spouse for all their difficulties and the divorce. Of course, there are exceptions when divorce cannot and should not be avoided, for example, continual domestic violence or emotional abuse, substance abuse or out-of-control gambling, etc.
A second way to avoid resolving conflict between two partners is the “invisible divorce.” During the “romantic” stage of the relationship, usually just before and after getting married, people find it easy to be close and sensitive with each other. They are filled with the anticipation that the other person will fulfill all their needs and desires. After the initial romance wanes, and in every case, just like the smell of a new car eventually disappears, they see the person they married differently. They can feel angry and betrayed if they are not enthusiastic about the new view. In response, emotional walls are erected to protect from further hurt and, at times, even punish their partner. Married individuals can sleep under the same roof and raise children yet live separate and distant lives. This is the Invisible divorce. They don’t realize that this new view would occur regardless of whom they married. The initial idealized or romantic view is an unconscious (beyond our control) psychological process necessary so that people will marry in the first place.
There are many different ways couples erect emotional walls. Often, they are challenging to detect. Sometimes, I ask clients, “What does your spouse do to avoid you?” One marriage counselor asking the same questions has compiled a list of more than three hundred answers. Some of the responses he hears are: “camping out on the phone, spending too much time with the kids, avoiding eye contact, volunteering for every committee, falling asleep on the couch, jogging ten miles a day, going shopping, picking fights, and reading magazines.” Many people, if they can’t get what they need from within the marriage, seek to fulfill their needs with excessive, inappropriate, and destructive behaviors outside the relationship. They live under the same roof, but they live polarized lives.
Frequently, these first two solutions, divorce and invisible divorce are strategies used to avoid change and responsibility. Personal growth is sacrificed for an unhealthy kind of safety and comfort. Like a bird raised in captivity, when taken to its native land and the cage door opened, it refuses to leave. The familiarity of the cage is more alluring than the freedom and opportunity to become part of the beautiful outside world. By avoiding responsibility and personal growth, a person can feel a false sense of safety by holding on to familiarity. But eventually, this house built on sand falls, and at that point, it is often too late to make the necessary changes.
A very different approach from the two described above is to accept responsibility for the difficulties and work as a marital team to resolve them. This approach may seem very difficult and can even be frightening. However, the bottom line is to create a new type of relationship. Each individual commits to explore themselves and their relationship and discover how to do things differently, both as a couple and as an individual.
Caring Days Exercise
If there is tension and hostility between married people, one good place to restore goodwill and trust is a simple exercise called “Caring Days.” Each person writes a list of ways their partner can please them. For example, a wife might write: “I would like you to bring home flowers.” “Or I would like to go for evening walks together.” The husband would also prepare a list of his wants. These lists are then exchanged. Husbands and wives can offer each other a certain amount of these caring behaviours daily regardless of how they presently feel about each other. They are gifts with no strings attached.
Research studies have shown that couples performing this exercise for one week have considerably improved feelings about each other and are better prepared to move on to the next level of growth and healthy relating. This exercise teaches many important ideas. Partners begin to experience each other as nurturing and caring. Painful injuries are soothed with positive actions. As well, individuals discover their partners are not “mind readers.” They discover that their partner responds when their desires and needs are spelled out! Another bonus is that this exercise decreases the tit-for-tat mentality that can polarize couples and make change virtually impossible. By giving, regardless of how you feel, you will, in turn, create a healthy and loving environment, and as a consequence, positive feelings will shortly follow.
Action must precede feelings. For couples having difficulties, which is normal, let actions lead the way. Try the “Caring Days” exercise described above, go out together and have fun, and think of something creative to do together at home. In the many years I have been practicing as a marriage and family therapist, I have witnessed wonderful changes in people, couples, and families. It does happen.
