Relationship Problems Have Warning Signs
Families are made up of interconnected individuals. Imagine a family represented by a hanging mobile. When you tug on one object, it shakes the rest. The same is true in families. People’s moods, attitudes, and behaviors influence those around them. People who are depressed, angry, or emotionally injured are not islands to themselves. They affect everyone around them. Individuals are most often the way they are because of what is happening (or has happened) between them and others. For example, a woman is depressed because her husband is critical, and she doesn’t feel that he cares about her. A man is angry because his boss doesn’t recognize his achievements. A child acts out because she feels her teacher is unfair.
Relationships have enormous power to impact a person’s well-being. When this is not fully understood, inappropriate solutions may be tried to solve personal unhappiness. Continuing with the above examples, the depressed woman in a bad marriage might try anti-depressant medication to solve her problem, the angry man might gamble in an attempt to distract himself from his disappointments, and the child who feels her teacher is mistreating her might rebel against authority. These attempted solutions will likely solve nothing and may even worsen the problem. When a person is unhappy, it will usually be because of a relationship problem.
Research has shown relationship problems, if untreated, eventually become worse and follow predictable stages. They occur in a sequence, with the last stage indicating the final step before a possible relationship break-up. They are as follows:
1. Criticism: In this stage, an individual is critical and judgmental of what their partner does. For example, a wife constantly criticizes her husband for coming home late from work, or a husband continually blames his wife for spending too much money. Typically, the criticisms span a broad range of topics and activities.
2. Contempt: In this stage, both attack each other personally. Instead of focusing on “bad behaviors,” as in the first stage, it has now regressed to how each sees their partner as “flawed”— “you are just a loser, you’re just like your father,” or “you are crazy and need a good psychiatrist.”
3. Defensiveness: In this stage, personal responsibility is denied, and the partner is blamed for all the problems.
4. Withdrawal: This final stage is characterized by stonewalling (ignoring). The individual remains silent or leaves the room when the partner speaks. In this stage, the husband or wife feels so hopeless that they have given up all efforts to resolve issues by talking with each other.
These stages are chronic conditions that have existed for a long time. They are not momentary expressions of anger or frustration. Each of these four stages signals the relationship is in serious trouble. It is only predictive of divorce when the couple cannot find a way to resolve their differences or don’t try to do so. The sooner these problems are addressed, the more easily they are resolved. For example, it is more difficult to make improvements when the relationship is in the “withdrawal” stage (the stage just before complete breakdown) than the “criticism” stage (when the hurt is still being expressed).
Successful relationships, like most other important things in life, require effort. The Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) teaches, “If we try, we will succeed.” Suppose your relationship is not what it should or could be; find a way to get it on track. Do it yourself or get outside help. We must do everything possible to fill your home with peace and happiness—for your sake and your entire family’s well-being.
