Making Peace! Who goes first?
When there is marital discord, often the husband looks to his wife, and the wife looks to her husband, each wanting the other to initiate the efforts towards reconciliation.
Who should go first? Who has a greater responsibility to begin the marital repair?
The answer is straightforward and based on a simple formula.
The three types of husbands
Some men treat their wives with respect, kindness, and sensitivity. Other men are mean, argumentative, and neglectful. Many men are in between not excelling in their behavior or consistently misbehaving.
When a husband treats his wife well, as the Torah requires, she will be fully committed to his well-being and success if she is emotionally healthy(as are the overwhelming majority of women, with only a few rare exceptions). This fortunate couple does not need to look to improve their relationship.
On the other hand, when a man repeatedly treats his wife demeaningly and harshly, she will be forced, even against her will and natural character, to be his enemy.
It is important to note that the wife will be an enemy of equal strength that matches her husband, making it impossible for one to conquer the other.
Their relationship will be one of never-ending pain, disappointment, and fear.
In a case like this, the man must take the initial responsibility to improve the relationship and bring it at least into the mid-range, where his wife is no longer ‘forced’ to be his enemy. He must do this without any assistance from his wife.
In fact, she cannot assist him since she is locked into a position of being his enemy.
When a relationship has become severely conflicted because of a man’s bad behavior, it is 100% his responsibility to fix the problems and imbalances between himself and his wife.
When the husband brings the relationship into the mid-range, his wife should contribute to improving their relationship since she is no longer locked in the position of being his “enemy.” In a relationship where the husband is neither perfect nor harsh and neglectful, both the husband and the wife can contribute meaningfully to a more peaceful marriage. In such a case, both must take personal responsibility to contribute toward a peaceful and satisfying marriage.
To summarize:
1. When a husband is good to his wife, their marriage will be healthy, peaceful, and loving. For most couples, this will be good enough.
2. When a husband is hurtful to his wife, she will naturally become his enemy and remain indefinitely locked in this position. The only way to change the situation is for the husband to dramatically and decisively change his relationship behavior for the better.
3. When a husband is neither exemplary nor terrible towards his wife, both individuals can improve their relationship.
