Peace In The Home
One of the main accomplishments of living a Jewish lifestyle is bringing peace into one’s personal life and the world. In fact, a conflict between a husband and wife contradicts the very essence of the Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries). Consequently, the Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) is very critical of anyone insensitive and emotionally abusive toward their partner. In the Shulchan Aruch (code of Jewish law), we find the following warning:
It is necessary to be very careful not to abuse one’s wife. Not to cause her pain with [harsh] words. Her tears come quickly, and the abuser will be swiftly punished.
Although this Halacha (Jewish law) is speaking to the husband, it is understood that it also applies to a wife’s behavior toward her partner. Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) demands positive and caring feelings between a husband and wife. Sholom Bayis (peace in the home) is not optional. It is a requirement.
Sensitivity between a husband and wife is necessary for Sholom Bayis (peace in the home). Only by understanding each other and knowing how to please and not irritate each other can Sholom Bayis (peace in the home) be established. The following true story illustrates how improved sensitivity alone helped a husband and wife develop more positive feelings about each other.
Moshe and Sarah (names and details are changed to ensure confidentiality) arranged marriage counseling with me. Sarah, a woman in her late twenties, nervously tugged on her pearl necklace. After brief intro¬ductions and small talk, she began:
“Rabbi Kass, I called you because I am very frustrated living with Moshe. Whenever we have a problem, Moshe walks out instead of discussing it. The problem is never solved, and I question his commitment to me.” Shaking with emotion, Moshe responds: “I care about Sarah very much, but her temper drives me away. When upset, she raises her voice, shouts at me, and storms out of the house many times. Sometimes, this happens even in front of the kids. I feel so humiliated.”
I checked with Sarah to see if she agreed with the facts as Moshe presented them. She does. I then ask her to describe in detail what happens when she is furious with Moshe. Next, I asked her to experience it and move into that feeling here in my office. Her voice raises with anger as she accuses Moshe of ignoring her when she is upset. Sarah then breaks into tears, and I hand her a tissue. I ask her what she is feeling behind all that anger. Shaking, she answers: “I feel alone, like no one cares. Like when I was a kid, and my parents punished me by sending me to my room.”
“What is it, Sarah, that you need most when you feel like that?” I ask. “Reassurance, comforting words, closeness,” she responded. I asked Moshe, “Can you comfort your wife now? Can you be there with her when she needs you? Can you talk to her now?” Moving his chair toward Sarah, he responds: “Sarah, I never knew you wanted my support. I always thought you wanted me to get lost when you were angry. From now on, I will try to stay with you and work it out when you are upset.”
Moshe and Sarah learned something significant from this brief interaction. Sometimes, our actions don’t accurately reflect our true feelings. They can even betray our real needs. When Moshe understood the true meaning behind Sarah’s outbursts, i.e., that she really needed comfort, he was able to respond to her in a new way. Instead of walking out and aggravating the situation, he now chose to move closer to her. When Sarah experienced Moshe’s sincerity in trying to comfort and support her, she realized she had also misread the situation’s “walking-out” because he thought she wanted him to “get out,” not because he wasn’t committed or wanted to avoid her.
Moshe and Sarah took a giant leap toward a more meaningful and satisfying marital relationship in these few minutes. They learned to “check out” each other’s inner thoughts and feelings rather than make assumptions and act mindlessly. Incorrect assumptions almost always create negative emotions and divisiveness.
In most cases, a couple can make improvements on their own. You can take some time, informal or scheduled, and ask your partner to take a minute or two to reflect and communicate what is behind a negative emotion. You might learn something surprising and valuable about your marriage and demonstrate your care. Almost every couple can increase their Sholom Bayis (peace in the home). Besides fulfilling Hashem’s (G-d’s) Will, in this age of stress, when we come home to a “loving and respectful home,” we are direct beneficiaries of the Sholom Bayis (peace in the home) that we have helped create.
