Marriage is Built with Kindness

Showing kindness to your spouse is fundamental to marriage. Without “kindness,” your relationship will sour, G-d forbid. Fortunately, it’s easy to be kind. Here are some examples of everyday opportunities:

• Ask how they slept.
• Make something for them to eat.
• Help find something your spouse misplaced.
• Check with your spouse to ensure they have everything they need for the day (money, food, information, etc.).
• Call during the day to say hello.
• Pick up something at the store.
• Listen and comfort your spouse if they are upset.
• Help your spouse with their tasks at home.
• Speak gently and respectfully.
• Do favors.
• Spend time together before going to sleep.
• Say good morning.

There are many more ways, planned and unplanned, to behave kindly toward your partner and they toward you. The more you do, the closer and healthier your family will be.

On the other hand, a kindness deficiency is the source of marital conflicts and the cause of most divorces. Anger, selfish and irresponsible behavior, and criticism, push away “kindness” and lead to relationship breakdown. The fact that the perpetrator of these hostile feelings and actions feels justified makes no difference. Little by little, a lack of kindness chips away at the foundation of the relationship, and everyone in the family suffers.

Think back to the time when you and your spouse were courting. When your husband or wife was only your date, how did he or she treat you? With “kindness,” or otherwise? Certainly, your answer is “with kindness.” I know this because otherwise, you would have run the other way. You would have ended your contact immediately, never wanting to see them again.

You only married your partner, believing that the kindness you were shown during the dating period, during your courtship, would last forever. And for a fortunate few, this turns out to be true. Sadly, for far too many people, kindness slips away, and the relationship becomes a painful struggle. But it needn’t be that way. You can easily be kinder to your partner. Decide to be kinder and begin behaving that way.

Being “kind” is very simple. The difficulty is starting and not stopping. But if you do, you will have a wonderful marriage, with the benefits far outweighing the effort. When you are “kind” to your spouse, and they are to you, both of you will reap many rewards. Kindness will guarantee happiness.

Kindness is remembered. Each act of “kindness” toward your spouse creates for you a relationship credit. These credits are saved up like dollars in a bank account. When you intentionally or unintentionally hurt your partner’s feelings, these “relationship credits” can be used to reestablish harmony. They advocate for mitigating your partner’s hurt feelings, negative judgments, or thoughts to retaliate. The more credits you have, the easier it is to get beyond relationship mistakes.

Research has shown that it takes, on average, five positive interactions to eliminate one negative one. Thus, the more “relationship credits” you have, the more relationship mistakes you can survive. For example, if you say good morning daily but one day forget, either your spouse won’t notice or just will casually mention it. However, if you never say good morning, your spouse will likely conclude you don’t care about them.

Jerry and Susan were clients of mine (details changed to protect privacy). Once Jerry and Susan had extinguished their anger, they were ready to work on their relationship in a positive way. I instructed: “Make a list of kind behaviors that your partner has done in the past, is currently doing, and could do in the future that would make you feel loved and cared for.” When they had finished making their lists, they took turns discussing what they had written. Then, I told them to exchange lists. Jerry had Susan’s list, and Susan had Jerry’s. I suggested they pick from their partner’s list two acts of kindness each day and then do them. I explained that these were “gifts” given without any conditions. They went home. The next time I saw Jerry and Susan in my office, they were both beaming and happy. They didn’t look like the old Jerry and Susan I met six weeks ago. “What happened,” I asked. “Simple,” Susan answered, “I did what was on Jerry’s list, and he did what was on mine.”

Kindness is contagious. Being “kind” to your spouse creates goodwill and cooperation. When you are kind, your partner is far more likely to be, in turn, kind to you. Emotional closeness, appreciation, and love will grow stronger and stronger with each act of kindness you and your partner show each other. You don’t need to go to therapy to increase your marital acts of kindness. You know what you can do to make your husband or wife happy.

Kindness is essential to a happy marriage. If you are not prepared to be “kind” to your spouse, you are writing for yourself a prescription for a failed relationship. You cannot replace kindness with money, good looks, a big house, or exotic trips. Kindness is an attitude that manifests itself in all situations. Being “married” means behaving with “kindness”—it’s just that basic. There are no substitutes for kindness. There is a saying, “What goes around, comes around.” When you give “kindness,” you get “kindness.” Kindness is something you can’t give away—it always comes back.

Have a sweet life; behave kindly toward your partner.