Simple Ways to Make Your Marriage Happy
When a husband and wife give gifts to one another in a spirit of friendship, it creates feelings of companionship, affection, and closeness between them. Giving includes a full range of behaviors, from giving a material gift to giving the gift of kindness and everything in between. Cheerful giving attracts, and selfishness repels. This is a simple formula. However, its implementation is not always so easy. Successful ‘giving’ requires that you know what makes your spouse feel cared for and loved, and this requires effort.
A husband brings his wife a thoughtful birthday gift. After opening the box, she begins to cry. The startled husband tells his wife, “I thought you wanted a new toaster!” She replies, “Yes, but not for my birthday!” She bought him a beautiful designer tie because she loves clothes. He doesn’t like clothing. For him, dressing is just a chore, especially formal attire. She was hurt that he didn’t appreciate her gift. He bought her an exercise bike because he knows being overweight is unhealthy and that her weight bothers her. She is insulted that he is calling attention to her weight, and she may even conclude that he is bothered by her appearance and is being critical of her. She always makes it a point to ask him detailed questions about his day at work. She very much appreciates it when he asks her about her day. However, he gets irritated when she asks. When he comes home, he wants to forget about work and feels that she is being insensitive by asking. The lesson learned from the above is that the receiver must be happy about the gift, not the giver.
People have what I call “affection triggers.” These are particular acts that make a person feel good. Everyone has different triggers. Triggers could be visual, auditory, or kinesthetic, etc. To be a successful giver, push one or more of your partner’s “affection triggers.” Pushing an “affection trigger” makes your partner feel appreciated, understood, and cared for. One person may feel appreciated, understood, and cared for if they are taken to a pleasant place like a park (visual trigger). Someone else is excited when receiving a tangible gift such as clothing (kinesthetic trigger). At the same time, another individual enjoys smelling exotic perfume (olfactory trigger). Another person may value the gift of carefully listening to them talk and speaking kindly to them (auditory trigger). It is essential to learn what your partner wants: what their “affection triggers” are.
Some couples find themselves in a cycle of negative behavior. They are angry, blaming, and resentful towards each other. Hostile feelings can, unfortunately, define the relationship experience. If this has happened to you, changing directions and becoming a “giver” is critical to reversing the unfortunate negative feelings. Even when you feel your spouse doesn’t deserve it, giving is the biggest and greatest gift of all. No other person has as great an opportunity and responsibility to behave lovingly toward your spouse than you. How you treat your spouse makes the difference in whether the relationship is pleasant, but it is also essential to your well-being and success. After repeated acts of “giving,” your spouse will likely begin responding similarly. After a few weeks or months, you can enjoy a loving and peaceful relationship.
Perkei Avos, a classical book on Jewish ethics, describes four types of relationships:
1. The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is mine,” is called an ignoramus.
2. The person who says, “What is mine is mine, and what is yours is yours,” is an average person.
3. The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours,” is called a righteous person.
4. The person who says, “What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine,” is called a wicked person.
The “righteous person” is the ideal. This is a person who gives selflessly. The more a husband and wife live by this value, the healthier and more satisfying their relationship will be. If there are children in the home, they will also directly benefit from the peace and harmony found in the home.
In these times, many destructive forces alienate people from each other and break up families. The “average person,” whose attitude is, “what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours,” is not sufficient as it has been in the past. Now, we have to work harder and smarter to make our relationships loving and long-lasting. The most potent immunization medicine for safeguarding a healthy and satisfying relationship is selfless, cheerful giving as the “righteous person” whose attitude is, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours.”
Kindness Exercise
Sit with your partner. Take a pen and paper and write at the top, “I feel appreciated and cared for when you . . .” List those actions your partner can do that make you feel appreciated and cared for. Exchange the lists. Try to fulfill one or two items on your partner’s list daily, and they yours. If your wife wants you to spend a few minutes with her when you come home from work—do it. If your husband wants you to make him lunch daily, do it. Enrich your marriage and make it great.
