Living a True Life
“My kitchen has windows on three sides,” an elderly client of mine explains. “The view is quite lovely, she continues, but you can also see right through the windows into some of my neighbors’ homes in some directions. One Sunday morning, I entered the kitchen and immediately noticed the room was dark. The bright sunlight was gone. I looked around and noticed that all the curtains had been drawn. I became quite alarmed and wondered what was going on. Why were the curtains drawn? Then, I heard a banging of glass from the other side of the room. I turned, and there, to my surprise, stood my husband washing dishes! Normally, he does not wash dishes. His dishwashing was strange enough, but even more curious were the drawn curtains! Then I understood. He didn’t want the neighbors to see him doing “women’s work.”
In the well-known Biblical story about Joseph and his brothers, there is a sentence (a pusuk) that states,”. . . and they could not speak peaceably with him.” The brothers hated Joseph. Joseph had reported to their father acts of theirs that he had interpreted negatively. Furthermore, their father, Jacob, openly favored Joseph, which made the brothers very jealous. Since they hated him, “they could not speak peaceably with him.” Rashi, a classical commentator on the Bible, explains this sentence in the following way: “Even though the brother’s behavior toward Joseph was far from admirable, we can learn something praiseworthy. They did not speak one way with their mouth and another way with their heart.” This story teaches us that our words and behavior must be congruent with our feelings. Not surprisingly, this is difficult for many people. The Bible would not have to emphasize this important character trait if it were easy.
Returning to the story about the husband doing dishes in the darkened kitchen, let’s look at why he felt it necessary to hide behind curtains so neighbors wouldn’t see. Why did he think he needed to hide his act of kindness for his wife?
All of us wear a mask called a “persona.” The persona is a tool to help us succeed socially by fitting in with the accepted norms of society. For example, social protocol requires wearing your fanciest clothing at a wedding, even if you feel like dressing casually. One dresses up so you can fit in and be accepted by others. Ideally, the persona, like an assistant, helps you get what you need. Problems develop if, instead of the persona being just an assistant, you become totally identified with it and begin thinking that this is who you are. You think you are your “mask.” You become identified with an outer portion of your personality rather than your true feelings, instincts, and spiritual desires.
When you become identified with your persona, essentially, you have, in turn, abandoned your true self. You are no longer “in touch” with who you are, what you feel, and what you need; consequently, you live a very splintered life. This leaves a large gap between who the person truly is and what they project themselves to be. For example, someone might try to be a scholar because that is what is expected of them when their true nature is to be down-to-earth, fun-loving, and social. This conflict between the persona and the true self can become so stressful that, for some individuals, it can lead to a mental or physical breakdown.
For those people who feel they are overly identified with their persona, the first step to reverse this is to figure out who you really are: your needs, desires, feelings, and goals. Then, when appropriate, prioritize your true feelings over and above your persona. In this way, you begin living by your true nature. When living in accordance with your true personality, you reduce stress and increase the likelihood of success.
Discovering who you are requires unlearning what many of us learned as children. It is common to have been raised in families and have gone to schools that taught children to ignore their feelings. These families and schools may have so over-emphasized compliance and conformity that to survive, the persona needed to take over and left these children, now as adults, depleted of personal power.
Assertiveness, as opposed to being passive, is an essential tool in becoming “real,” i.e., demoting your “persona” to the assistant role. By being “assertive,” you are “one with our heart and one with our mouth.” When assertive, you let others know what you feel and think honestly, firmly, and openly. Being assertive means you respect yourself and respect others. It requires that you take responsibility for your feelings. Asserting yourself does not mean insisting that another person comply with your wishes or even agree with you. This is called being aggressive and is wrong.
Ask yourself the following questions. An assertive and honest person will, in most circumstances, answer “yes”:
1. Do you have confidence in your judgment?
2. Are you honest about your feelings and what you want?
3. Do you speak out when a person is highly unfair?
4. Can you say no if someone asks you to do a favor and you don’t want to do it?
5. Do you protest when someone takes your place in line or interrupts you when you are speaking?
The passive person often believes, “I should never make anyone uncomfortable or displeased.” The aggressive person thinks, “I must put others down to protect myself.” The assertive person believes, “I am responsible for protecting my rights. I respect others but not necessarily their behavior.”
In the opening story, if the husband had been truthful and respectful of his inner feelings of wanting to help his wife, he would have thought nothing about what his neighbors might think. It would not have mattered if they had been critical of his dishwashing. Rather, his inner truth would be his priority.
When you permit yourself to be who you really are, except in limited situations when your persona is necessary, you can harness the full capacity of your emotions to accomplish all that is good. Living an authentic life makes us much more likely to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy, and happy.
