Five Ingredients to a Happy Married Life

2. Commitment: In Bereshis (Genisis), it says: “…a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave (be one) unto his wife.”

This Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) passage teaches that your marital partner must be the most important person in your life—your number one priority. Taking this position expresses itself through “commitment” to your married partner. Some individuals find being fully “committed” to one’s marital partner challenging. Being committed to one’s husband or wife over and above parents, friends, work, or selfish personal interests can be difficult. Step back from your busy life and ask your partner: “Do you feel you are the number one person in my life?” If the answer is “no,” ask why. Once you have the answer . . . get to work fixing the problem. Bottom line: A healthy marriage comprises two individuals “committed” to each other. This means being “one” with your marital partner.

Examples of “committed” behavior:

• Demonstrating loyalty through standing together with your partner during difficult times.
• Daily choosing with speech and deed your partner as the most valued person in your life.
• Feeling your partner’s pain as your pain.
• Staying far away from wrong relationships.

3. Caring: In Vayikra (Leviticus), it says: “You should love your neighbor like yourself (Ahavas Yisroel).”

Unlike anyone else, you have a unique relationship with your marital partner. Often, you are the only person who can perform a particular Ahavas Yisroel (love for another Jew) Mitzvah (Devine good deed), a simple act of kindness, for your spouse’s benefit—and it is your obligation to do so. Your responsibility to care for your husband or wife supersedes your personal feelings (as do all Mitzvos (Divine good deeds)). For many, the proper fulfillment of this Mitzvah (Divine good deed) requires “caring” even when you don’t feel like it. A healthy marital relationship requires “caring” all through the marriage. The Ahavas Yisroel (love for another Jew) Mitzvah (good deed) is the foundation of the Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) and the foundation of a healthy marriage.

Examples of “caring” behavior:

• Warmly greet your partner.
• Nurturing your partner.
• Comforting in sickness or emotional distress.
• Expressing your appreciation for what your partner does for you.

4. Closeness: The Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) commands us to affirm our fundamental relationship with Hashem (G-d) by repeating the prayer, “Shema Yisroel,” twice daily.

Shema means to listen or, more precisely, to understand. Through “listening,” you come close to Hashem—an essential goal in saying the Shema. So, too, listening can bring a husband and wife close to each other. It is human nature to want to feel understood—especially by one’s marital partner. Effective listening is one of the most potent relationship tools that can be used to achieve relationship closeness. However, “listening” is a unique skill requiring practice and effort for many people. The letters that spell “listen” are the same letters that spell “silent.” Effective listening requires setting aside judgment, commentary, and advice—being silent—and just hearing what your partner says. Listening creates a safe and supportive relationship where your partner can express dreams, fears, and goals. This will lead to feelings of closeness for both the listener and the speaker. Feeling close keeps the marriage healthy.

Tips on how to be an effective “listener”:

• Don’t interrupt when your partner speaks.
• Let your partner know that you have “listened” by summarizing what you heard.
• Ask your partner questions about how they feel.

5. Accepting differences: In Devorim (Deuteronomy), before Moshe (Moses) died, he blessed each of the twelve tribes that made up the Jewish people. The tribe of Zevulin was blessed with “going out.” The tribe of Yissachar was blessed with “in your tents.”

Members of the Zevulin tribe were merchants, and members of the Yissachar tribe were Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) scholars—one opposite from the other. Each tribe had very different responsibilities, lifestyles, and needs. Yet they were instructed to “work together” in harmony. Zevulin was told to support Yissachar’s Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) learning, whereas Yissachar was to share the rewards of their learning with Zevulin. You are very different from your marriage partner—in many ways and for many reasons. Yet marital success requires you to “accept” these differences and work together to build your family successfully. Marital success does not depend on being the same; rather, it depends on discovering the value of diversity.

Examples of using differences to increase marital success:

• Valuing that you and your partner have different talents and letting this knowledge lead to delegating primary responsibilities according to individual strengths (parenting, finances, problem-solving, etc.).
• Avoid attempts to make your partner like yourself.
• Praising your partner for their unique talents or efforts.

Each of these five characteristics of a healthy marriage is supported or sabotaged by any of the other four. For example, a relationship with insufficient “closeness” can cause a deficiency in “commitment.”

Establishing a healthy relationship almost always requires hard work. Whether “the work” is talking together and sharing feelings, reading books on how to build a harmonious marriage, or consulting with a professional relationship expert, the rewards—Sholom Bayis (peace in the home)—are worth the effort.

Without Sholom Bayis (peace in the home), all other successes; financial, professional, and community leadership—although important—will have little personal value. Only a happy marriage creates personal contentment and peace.