Three Essential Ingredients in a Happy Marriage

Imagine receiving two gifts of equal value from two people you are close with. The only difference between the two gifts is that one is wrapped in stylish wrapping paper, sealed with a bow, and includes a card. The second gift is simply put in an ordinary plastic bag and handed to you. What will be your likely reaction to the two individuals each giving you a gift? If you are like me, I would think the person who took the time to carefully wrap the gift and include a thoughtful card really cares, whereas the other person was just getting their responsibility of “gift giving” out of the way. Who would you feel most comfortable with? The answer is obvious!

How you express yourself is the packaging for your words. Listening is often the most appreciated form of communication and, for many, also the most difficult. However, you can boost your relationship by taking a few minutes and “listening” to what your partner says.

Here is how to be an excellent listener: Ask your partner questions and respond by summarizing what you have heard. Then, tell them what they said (based on their experience and reasoning) “makes sense.” It is that simple!

When you listen to your partner, it is understood that you may or may not agree with their point of view. Nonetheless, when you listen and summarize what you have heard, your partner feels validated and that you care about them. When you listen to your partner, and they listen to you, you put an end to bickering, hurt feelings, and frustration. “Listening” is the single greatest relationship tonic.

Over time, the words and accompanying emotions will define your marriage, determining whether it is happy.

Making your partner feel they are your # 1

Happy marriages have two partners who each put the other first. This is the “win-win” formula for a happy marriage.

The easiest way to achieve a feeling in your partner that they are your priority, your #1, is by performing daily acts of kindness. For example:

• Doing favors
• Expressing warm greetings
• Helping out
• Being sensitive to feelings, not getting angry
• Being concerned about emotional and physical well-being
• and countless other ways

When your partner feels they are your priority, they feel loved, cared for, and respected.

For example, a husband felt his bedroom was freezing at night and found sleeping difficult. His solution was to turn up the heater. In the morning, his wife informs him that it is very difficult for her to sleep because the heater has been turned up. Rather than debating over whose needs are more important or who is correct about whether the room is, in fact, cold or hot, the husband prioritizes his wife’s needs over his own. So he, too, turns the heater down and takes an extra blanket for himself. She feels loved and cared for.

When these little acts of kindness are repeated daily, week after week, by each partner, emotional closeness, love, and respect are created and become the very fabric of the relationship.

Making your partner your #1 and your partner doing likewise makes your relationship enjoyable, respectful, and uplifting.

Knowledge about self and your partner

Being knowledgeable about oneself and your partner is important to getting along harmoniously. There are many details to understanding the differences between you and your partner: Cultural, family of origin, gender, and personality differences. The more you know yourself and understand your partner, the less likely there will be conflict.

For example, if your partner came from a home where their parents constantly fought with raised voices, your partner could take one of two understandable responses to these childhood experiences. One, they may have a high tolerance for yelling and be a yeller themselves, but at the same time, they do not realize how upsetting it is to others. Or two, he might take the opposite position and feel very uncomfortable when any strong emotions are expressed, even when the emotions are expressed in ways most individuals would consider “reasonable.”

Understanding the above would allow you to be less critical of your partner’s reaction to relationship stress (yelling or suppressing the emotions in others). You will take the “imperfections” in a less personal way while at the same time compassionately requesting improvements that are good for everyone.

Being knowledgeable about your own and your partner’s birth family allows you to interact in a more meaningful and effective way. It will give you insight into how you can become a better partner and have more understanding and tolerance for your partner’s unique feelings and ways of doing things.

As a marriage and family therapist, I have helped hundreds of couples learn to live a more satisfying, peaceful, and meaningful life. I have witnessed their success.

Counseling is a very private, personal, and confidential experience. People typically do not discuss it with their friends or close family. You probably are unaware of many individuals who have changed a bad relationship into a healthy and happy one, but that does not mean it is not happening around you.

Hopefully, your family is healthy and happy, but if not, I sincerely hope you try to improve your situation.

This is particularly important if you have children. Children are innocent. They are entitled to the best life offers them, including a healthy and happy childhood and parents who get along well. A child only has one childhood, which becomes the foundation for the rest of their life. It is crucial that we as parents do as much as possible to make our homes the proper atmosphere where our children can thrive.

In Pirkei Avos (book of ethical teachings), the question is asked: Who is strong?” Immediately following the question, the answer is provided, “He or she who conquers his or her evil inclination.” The “evil inclination” is our ego, pride, and stubbornness that perpetuates destructive attitudes and behaviors and resists any change for the better. “Who is strong” is someone who, despite the urgings of the evil inclination, pushes forward to improve oneself and the lives of other family members.