How Our Family Was Saved

We tried to work things out, but the harder we tried, the worse it got. My insistence on “talking it out” created such tension that my husband, Ralph, finally stopped talking to me. After about three days of the “silent treatment,” I knew our marriage was in deep trouble. The “D” word kept creeping into my consciousness. I felt so out of control and insecure. Was this the way it started for the many unfortunate couples that ended up divorced? Was this the final scene before the calamity that left thousands of innocent children without a stable home with two loving parents under one roof? Would this happen to our children? I knew we needed to get some help. When I suggested to Ralph that we go for marriage counseling, he responded by saying that I should go myself since, according to him, “I was the problem.” Even though Ralph said he was unwilling to go, I made the call to the counselor anyway. I felt desperate and had to do something.

I first met Abe, the marriage counselor, on the phone. He had been recommended to me by a close friend who had seen Abe last year for a few months because of a depression she had been experiencing. Abe seemed very patient and understanding. When I told him of Ralph’s refusal to go with me, Abe suggested asking Ralph to come just as a “consultant” so everyone could benefit from his viewpoint. If he still wouldn’t come, Abe suggested that I come alone. Surprisingly, Ralph agreed to come “to help me with my problem.” Of course, I didn’t agree with his opinion, but at least he was coming. Something was happening. Now that we have an appointment, things have started to get better. It was as if we were both on our best behaviour to look suitable for the counselor.

Finally, the day had arrived. As I sat with Ralph in the waiting room of Abe’s office, I was very self-conscious and felt awkward. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that what really matters is not my momentary feelings but my family’s future. I can’t take any more of the daily tension between Ralph and me, the constant bickering, the silence, and the “cold war.” Even the kids are looking sad and worried. There is just no way I can allow this to go on. Something must change. If my arm were broken, I would go to the doctor. If my family is “broken,” I must also go for help. How could I ignore this problem and just allow everyone to suffer? It’s especially not fair to the kids.

Abe greeted us and invited us to follow him into the meeting room. The three of us sat facing each other. I was so tense that it was even hard to get the words out of my mouth when Abe asked for our home address. Abe sensed my discomfort and told us it was expected to feel nervous initially. Ralph just sat there like a stone.

Abe asked each of us to give an “unedited” version of what was going on and how we thought he might help. When Ralph tried to correct my point, Abe asked him to “hold on” until his turn and insisted on an “unedited” version. We took turns talking for the first time without interrupting each other. If that wasn’t bizarre enough, Abe asked us to summarize what we had heard our partner saying. I felt that Ralph was listening to me for the first time in years. I sighed a breath of relief and felt hope.

After a while, we talked more casually about our problems, hurt, and fears. Somehow, Abe made us feel safe. Ralph forgot about his “consultant” role, and I heard him talk about his feelings for the first time. This “stone” really did have a heart inside!

Abe explained the process of therapy to us. He told us that it would take at least several months for most couples to institute and maintain concrete changes in their attitudes and behaviour. In his words, he was “immunizing” us against expecting instant cures.

Abe ended the session by asking us to demonstrate our commitment to improving our marital relationship by performing a simple task. He asked each of us to list two or three small things that would make us feel better if our partner could do them. “Number one,” I said, “if Ralph wouldn’t argue anymore….” Abe explained that if such significant changes could be made so easily, we probably wouldn’t need to come for marriage counseling. He asked again for two or three “small things.” Thinking it over, I responded, “Call me if you are coming home late from work, and each day, say good morning and good night.” Abe encouraged Ralph to pick one and give it to me as a gift, i.e., no strings attached. To my surprise and amazement, Ralph volunteered to do both requests. When it was Ralph’s turn, he responded, “Don’t ask him questions about his stressful job, and two, go with him once a week to eat out.” He seemed amazed that I agreed to his requests. Abe said he was very impressed with our ability to cooperate and our commitment to helping our family and ourselves.

We scheduled a second appointment. Our appointment seemed to take only fifteen minutes, even though my watch said about an hour. I looked at Ralph. He seemed relieved. Finally, we did it. We got help. Deep in my heart, I hoped my first impressions were correct. Finally, we found a person who could help us. Life is too precious to destroy in unnecessary strife.

Abe closed the meeting by telling us that if we want to feel good about ourselves and want our children to be happy and satisfied, we must succeed at making peace. I felt empowered and committed to doing everything I could to make this happen.