I Am For You
In my extensive work as a marriage counselor with couples, I have come to believe the single most significant predictor of marital satisfaction is tolerance. People need different things in life. Within a relationship, there is no single ingredient, formula, skill, or gift that an individual can contribute to the relationship that will guarantee a satisfying and rewarding marriage. Some people need to feel respected, others need to feel loved or trusted, and others cherish autonomy and independence. The list goes on without end. Tolerance provides the support necessary for each individual within the relationship to get what they need. Each individual has their size and style of clothing, and you would not try to coerce your partner to change how they dress. By supporting your partner in their efforts to meet their unique emotional needs, you create an atmosphere for personal growth and harmony in the home. Tolerance means supporting your partner, even if it means self-sacrifice.
A famous Chassidic text called the Tanya speaks about the easy way to have Ahavas Yisroel, love for your fellow Jew. The author recommends focusing on the soul, not the physical. It is the physical that separates one person from the next. At the soul level, we are all the same, having one father, G-d.
Concerning “personal needs,” it refers to body or physical needs. Arguments, criticism, and anger come when your material needs interfere with another. That’s why we have a judicial system, armies, and policemen. They try to organize and enforce rules so that each person’s efforts to meet their physical needs are not unfairly at someone else’s expense. If law and order breaks down, you have chaos. As it says in Perkei Avos (a classical text on ethics), “If it weren’t for the government, people would eat each other alive.”
In a marital relationship, problems occur when you and your partner insist on meeting your physical needs. Each individual believes that “what I want” is very important. For example, she wants him to accompany her shopping at the mall. He wants to stay home and watch the ball game on the TV. Each is intolerant of the other’s needs.
As a consequence, their relationship is headed on a collision course. The results will probably be an argument and accusations. This can happen frequently when the primary focus is on personal, i.e., physical needs. When it goes on for years like this, deep disappointment and anger can set in, polarizing both marital partners and jeopardizing the entire relationship.
On the other hand, if both partners emphasize the soul dimension of the relationship, all of this is avoided. You take the position that my “personal,” i.e., physical needs, are unimportant. Then, giving in to the other person is easy and natural. Being tolerant and accepting of what your partner wants is easy. In the above example, the husband will say, “Sure, I would love to go shopping with you,” or the wife will say, “That’s fine if you want to watch the ball game. We can go together another time.” More than any other criterion, tolerance will ensure a harmonious marriage and home life. Highlighting the “soul dimension” of the relationship is looking at the essence of the person, seeing the humanness of each person rather than materialistic wants, likes, and dislikes. Seeing each other as equal souls makes it easy to cooperate by de-emphasizing your physical desires and emphasizing the relationship between two unique souls.
Please note that every idea becomes false if taken to an extreme. I am not talking about situations where there is physical or emotional abuse. In that case, you do need to take care of your basic physical needs for survival and resist and protect yourself from your partner. What is referred to here is a relationship where there is respect for each other’s integrity. Tolerance also does not mean avoiding meaningful dialogue or negotiations concerning important relationship and family issues.
Perke Avos describes four levels of a relationship:
1) The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is mine,” is called an ignoramus.
2) The person who says, “What is mine is mine, and what is yours is yours,” is called an average person.
3) The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours,” is called a righteous person.
4) The person who says, “What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine,” is called a wicked person.
There are many degrees of tolerance between people. The person who says, “What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine,” will be very intolerant and challenging to live with. The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours,” will be easy to live with. There are two levels in between these extremes. Each level marks your spiritual development. You cannot just choose where to be. Children start at level one. What is mine is mine, and what is yours is mine. This is a natural and healthy attitude for young children. With favorable circumstances and proper education, a person can “emotionally grow” to higher and more mature levels. You don’t just skip or choose. Probably very few people ever really get to the fourth level of the righteous person. Remember that this is about personal growth, and you cannot demand this from your partner. You can share but not insist. Accepting them for who they are physically, emotionally, and spiritually is tolerance.
In a relationship, there has to be a natural rhythm where both partners are physically or emotionally together at times and physically and emotionally apart at other times. If this essential rhythm becomes imbalanced, relationship injury will occur. If the couple is always apart, they will develop resentment towards each other because they know their relationship has no value. If they are too close, like spaghetti noodles, they will feel smothered by one another. Healthy people in a healthy relationship have a natural need for both intimacy and autonomy. If a relationship is tolerant, you support and encourage your partners to be intimate and autonomous. Together, you build a strong foundation for family harmony to rest upon. If people are wounded emotionally from childhood and insecure, this natural rhythm of intimacy and autonomy can be challenging to achieve. For such people, going to a professional counselor may be just the needed help.
In a practical sense, what this all means is simple. Try to lower your expectations of your spouse as much as possible. Try to figure out the minimum you can live with and still be happy. Be honest with yourself. Don’t pretend to be righteous and say it’s okay if he gambles away his weekly paycheck at the racetrack or if she socializes with other men. A relationship has specific basic requirements that can not be sacrificed. For example, having an intimate life together or jointly raising the children. You can decide that it is okay if he won’t do the homework with the kids or if she doesn’t always want to be intimate. Figure out within the confines of the relationship where you can look the other way or toss out a demand or expectation about one’s partner. For example, see if you can be happy even if he “won’t wash dishes” or she “spends too much.” Everyone can think of their own situations. Try to see the soul, the humanness of yourself and your partner. Then it will be easy to get along.
If you conclude you are expecting too much because your expectations adversely affect your marriage, and you find it difficult to let go, take this as a sign that you could benefit from some personal growth. Frequently, people have difficulty letting go because some personal needs were not met at some crucial developmental point in their childhood. If they had been met, one would not “need so much” from one’s adult partner. Do some reading, creative thinking, praying, or go for counseling. You may find it much easier to lower the bottom line with some personal growth.
