Special Days As Ways To Show You Care
Have you ever forgotten your wife’s or husband’s birthday or another special day that means a lot to them? Likely, you have. So have I. Not good! Distraction, misunderstanding, or simple ignorance are often the reasons. Regardless, the person forgotten is hurt, and an opportunity to strengthen Sholom Bayis (peace in the home) is lost.
Birthdays and wedding anniversaries are more than memorable dates on the calendar. In addition to the Rebbe’s (Jewish spiritual leader) directives in these matters, birthdays and wedding anniversaries are excellent opportunities to communicate care and warmth. But what happens when you forget (regardless of the reason)? Answer: The forgotten person thinks: “I must be unimportant—otherwise he/she would have remembered.” The forgotten person feels: “Sad and neglected.”
Dovid forgot his wife Rivka’s birthday. He was busy preparing for Pesach (Passover), caring for the kids while at the same time keeping his regular work schedule. He felt exhausted. Regardless, Rivka was crushed. She had hoped in her heart that he would remember her birthday. Doing so would be proof of his love and devotion. But sadly, he forgot . . . and . . . her world darkened. Rivka tried to smile, but it wasn’t easy. She avoided looking at Dovid and wanted to be alone. Dovid felt something was amiss. But what was it? He was helping prepare for Pesach, caring for the kids . . . what had happened? “Why is Rivka so cold? Why is she avoiding me?” he wondered. He pressed for an explanation. With tears rolling down her cheeks, she responded, “You don’t love me.” Dovid was shocked! “But why?” he questioned, “Why are you saying I don’t love you.” Dovid was confused. He had been working day and night to give his family a good life, especially his wife Rivka—but she’s saying she doesn’t feel loved. Feeling defeated, Dovid asked again, “Why do you feel I don’t love you?” “. . . Because you forgot my birthday,” Rivka cried. “If you loved me, you would have remembered.”
Fortunately, Dovid understood how to provide emotional support, and instead of trying to explain or justify himself, he listened attentively and then said he was sorry and would be more careful in the future. Dovid’s gentle attention to Rivka’s disappointment and hurt proved to her that Dovid did care, that he understood her feelings, and that he was genuinely sorry.
One year later, Dovid was ready when Rivka’s birthday arrived. Together, they celebrated in a meaningful way. Together, they enriched their Sholom Bayis (peace in the home). Rivka felt Dovid’s love, and Dovid felt good contributing to his wife’s happiness.
A woman places special emphasis on birthdays and wedding anniversaries. As the caretaker of the home and its inhabitants, she is focused on relationships. This is her life and passion, even if she has a job outside the house or a career. She wants each member of her family to be healthy and happy. She works hard day and night caring for her husband and children. Putting aside her own needs, with grace and purpose, she willingly gives to others. If one portion of food is left, she offers it to others before eating it herself. And what does she seek in return? Her husband acknowledges her dedication and sacrifice by giving her his love and care. When she feels treasured by her husband, she feels happy and rewarded for her efforts. And she feels a birthday or anniversary is a golden opportunity for her husband to prove his love and care. She counts on it. And when he comes through—she feels loved and cherished.
Sholom Bayis (peace in the home) is easy when following a few basic principles. If you are a man, communicating to your wife that “you care” is one of them. Remembering birthdays and anniversaries should be at the top of your “to-do” list. Your happiness is greatly dependent on your wife’s happiness. Not only that, but how your wife feels is often a measurement of your relationship with Hashem (G-d). The kindness and love you give your wife is mandated by the Torah (Jewish Bible and Commentaries). Halacha (Jewish Law) requires you to provide your wife love and care, which comes before giving it to anyone else! Putting your wife first is one of the most important ways to serve Hashem (G-d). As it teaches, Hashem (G-d) will only dwell when there is peace between a husband and wife.
The following are some simple ways for you to communicate to your wife you care:
- Acknowledge special days (birthdays, wedding universities, birthdays of your children, etc.).
- Spend time with your wife (when the kids are not around).
- Give appropriate gifts (flowers for Shabbos (Jewish Sabbath), Yom Tov (Holidays), birthdays, etc.).
- Verbalize your appreciation and love.
- Help her around the house, especially if she feels overwhelmed.
- If something is essential to your wife, make it important to you.
- When your wife talks, listen . . . and nothing else! Don’t give your opinions unless it is asked for.
- Let her make the everyday decisions about the children and how the house is cared for.
- Try to anticipate her needs and fulfill them.
- Avoid all forms of anger (criticism, raising your voice, interrogating, sarcasm, etc.).
As confided above, even I—the marriage expert—have forgotten “special days.” Men don’t think like women, and it is often difficult for a man to understand what a woman needs. This is why articles like this are so important. Education is the cornerstone of a good marriage. For a man to fully succeed as a husband, he must understand the nature of a woman. (If you are a woman, make sure your husband reads this article.) The same is true for women. They, too, must understand the nature of a man. In future articles, G-d willing, this will be explained. So I, too, have forgotten “special days.” And I am sorry. When I am forgiven, I know I am loved.
