Demand a Little and Give a Lot
Marital relationships blossom when a husband and wife not only tolerate but also celebrate the differences between each other. People need different things in life. Beyond the basics, some people need extra portions of respect, others love, while others cherish autonomy and independence, etc. ToleranWoce allows each individual within the relationship to get, without conflict, what they want and need from their partner.
Cooperating with your partner in their efforts to accomplish their unique physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual goals creates a relationship imbued with peace and harmony. Individual goals certainly must be moral and ethical and not injure anyone. If they meet these simple criteria, it becomes the partner’s privilege to support these goals in every reasonable way, even to the point of self-sacrifice.
A selfless attitude brings with it not only peace and harmony but also creates feelings of being loved and cared for by your partner. When you both take a position of tolerance with each other, you will both feel as if you are receiving daily gifts of love. This will then generate affection and friendship.
Tolerance is the magic ingredient for getting along with your partner. If you don’t expect a lot, it is easier for them to give you what you need.
In Perkei Avos, a classical text on Jewish ethics, it describes four levels of a relationship:
- The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is mine,” is an ignoramus.
- The person who says, “What is mine is mine, and what is yours is yours,” is an average person.
- The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours,” is a righteous person.
- The person who says, “What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine,” is a wicked person.
There are many degrees of tolerance between people. The person who says, “What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine,” will be very intolerant, controlling, and challenging to live with. Such a person is selfish and has high expectations of their partner. The person who says, “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours,” will be easy to live with and love. This person is self-sacrificing and has low expectations of their partner. There are two levels in between these extremes. Each level marks a person’s moral and spiritual development.
Lower your expectations of what you want from your spouse as much as possible. Try to figure out the minimum you can live with and still be happy. Be honest with yourself. Don’t pretend to be righteous and say it’s okay if he gambles away the weekly paycheck at the race track or if she socializes with other men. A relationship has specific basic requirements that cannot be compromised. You can decide that it is okay if he won’t do the homework with the kids or that it’s okay if she doesn’t always want to be intimate. Strive to look the other way or toss out a demand or expectation about your partner. For example, see if you can be happy even if he “won’t wash dishes” or she “spends too much money.”
Demand a little and give a lot. This goodwill can go a long way to creating an atmosphere of genuine peace and harmony in the home.
