Being in a Relationship

1. Respect

The Torah (Jewish Bible and Commentaries) describes what happens when there is respect between a husband and wife and when there isn’t. When Hashem (G-d) created the animals, they were available to assist humankind. But they could not be man’s equal partners. So, Hashem (G-d) created the woman as an equal partner. She was not made to be a servant or shadow but man’s other half of equal value and regal stature. When Hashem (G-d) made a wife for Adam, the first man, his relationship with her is described as kenegdo. This word, kenegdo, has a dual meaning. It can mean “with,” or it can mean “against.” Thus, when Adam was given a wife, she had the potential to be a valuable asset or a powerful enemy.

A husband and wife, as equal partners, is the basis of respect and an essential ingredient in Sholom Bayis.

Tips on behaving respectfully:

1) Gentleness of Speech- soft vocal tones void of criticism and anger.
2) Loyalty—my spouse, as opposed to someone else, like my religion or country, is always right. This commitment to loyalty is acted upon in speech and deed.
3) Democratic Decision Making- both husband and wife have equal power in decision-making. There are some exceptions, for example, if couples agree that one partner has more say in a particular matter of his or her specialty or on a particular religious issue as determined by halacha.

2. Personal Emotional Health

The act of marriage does not mean a person has automatically all the necessary emotional resources to succeed. For example, growing up in a home where, as a child, a person was not respected or abused can leave deep psychological wounds that need healing as an adult. Parents who argued and disrespected each other did not provide the necessary role-modeling to learn what a healthy and respectful marital relationship is like. As a marriage counselor, I have worked with many people who find it very difficult to be emotionally intimate with their partner because of the hurt they experienced as a child. When individuals come from childhood homes characterized by multiple separations between parents and severe ongoing conflict, they often fear accepting the responsibility of making their own family. They may get part way; for example, they marry but won’t agree to have children. Or they have a child, and for some inexplicable reason, they become depressed or want to leave their partner.

Some solutions to repairing these childhood deficiencies are:

1) Reading self-help books.
2) Observe healthy families. Try to get invited to their homes and learn.
3) Participate in psychotherapy with a professionally trained therapist.

3. Realistic Expectations

Creating a family requires a successful transition from one developmental stage to another. Just like children learn in sequence to role-over, sit-up, crawl, stand, walk, etc., families go through clearly demarcated stages of growth. They are courtship, marriage (commitment), living together, getting to know each other, producing a child, raising children, being together after the children have left, and growing old together. Each of these stages requires realistic expectations. For example, while in the raising children stage, expecting to have the same passion and excitement as during the courtship stage is very unrealistic and can lead to unfair criticism of one’s spouse and chronic disappointment. It is reasonable to make increased intimacy and passion a goal at any relationship stage, but goals shouldn’t be confused with demands or entitlement. Not knowing what to expect can make one vulnerable to letting feelings make the decisions. Feelings are helpful information, but they should not run someone’s life. The mind should rule the heart.

Some practical ideas to help develop realistic goals are:

1) Read about different stages in family development.
2) Talk to friends and family members who have already been through it.
3) Consult with a professional Marriage and Family Therapist.

These three key factors, respect, personal emotional health, and realistic expectations, are all interrelated. They each impact on the other. For example, someone with unhealed childhood wounds may find it difficult to respect their partner. By learning and working in all three of these dimensions, or one at a time, you can eventually have a realistic chance of having the marriage and family you want and deserve. Healthy relationships are the greatest opportunity for personal happiness. In some situations, it may not be realistic to expect marital bliss. Still, with sincere effort, you can, in most cases, achieve friendship, companionship, and even a little excitement when together.