The Everlasting Bond
A young man, separated from his wife and child, couldn’t decide whether to get divorced or try to reconcile. He asked a professional what to do. The professional asked him, “Do you have strong feelings for your wife, like when you first married?” Surprised by this question and without much thought, he answered, “I don’t think so.” “Then,” the professional instructed, “complete the cut and leave her.”
Is a lasting relationship between two people built on momentary feelings of comfort or infatuation, as the above professional thinks, or is there something else that is more important? Let’s take a deeper look.
During the first few years of marriage, wanting to feel close to each other is easy. Youthful feelings can be euphoric and create a more accepting attitude toward a partner’s quirks or failings. As they say, “Love is blind.” Hashem (G-d) has made these powerful feelings a natural part of a young relationship to help this new couple bond, start a family, and stay together. This is all a preparation for the future family pressures of raising children, earning a living, unexpected problems, aging, etc.
Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) talks about a covenant, an ever-lasting relationship, between the Jewish people and Hashem (G-d). This relationship is compared to two friends who are so committed to each other that they agree to always care for each other despite what happens to them individually or their feelings about their relationship. These two friends form a covenant. This covenant exists beyond reason and logic, which is ever-lasting and enduring. This “covenant” is the eternal relationship between Hashem (G-d) and the Jewish people. It is caring for each other that is not based on reciprocity but based on commitment.
A covenant also holds successful marriages together. This “covenant” is an ever-lasting commitment, a promise never to give up when things go wrong and to continually try to repair any problems in the marriage. In healthy marriages, this wisdom of maturity comes with the natural and inevitable waning of these early youthful feelings of attraction. This covenant between a husband and wife is what keeps their children safe from the terror and pain of divorce and the risk of growing up without the benefit of both parents guiding and protecting them.
There are rare times when divorce is necessary. Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) recognizes this and provides the get (Jewish divorce) as the legitimate way to end things. However, these days, under the insidious infiltration of secular values, some Jewish families are giving up far too easily.
A covenant between a husband and wife is a strong spiritual feeling that supersedes physical or emotional disappointment. Caring behaviours make you feel good and are extremely important to every relationship. You feel good when your spouse gives you what you want or need. It satisfies your ego and strengthens your self-esteem. However, it should not be the sole basis of a marriage.
Unfortunately, some marriages not based on a “covenant” are broken. Close and extended family members suffer. The majority of post-divorce adults report their lives have not improved but have become worse. And children, even as adults, often never fully recover emotionally, mentally, and spiritually from this disaster.
Between a husband and wife, ever-lasting care expresses itself as an ever-lasting commitment. How does an average person actualize this high spiritual level? In Pirkei Avos (book of ethical teachings), it says, “Beloved is man, for he was created in the image [of Hashem]; it is even a greater love that it was made known to him that he was created in the image [of Hashem]…” Every Jew, “created in the image of Hashem (G-d),” means we can live a spiritual life. A “greater love” is that Hashem (G-d) created us with the potential to be aware of our spiritual nature.
This awareness allows us to develop a truly committed relationship with our marriage partner. We can make a “covenant” that is an eternal bond above and beyond all temporal problems. This covenant is an intrinsic part of our very connection to Hashem (G-d). Jews, by nature, are a spiritual people. When we rededicate ourselves to live a spiritual life through Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) and Mitzvos (Divine good deeds), we can build an ever-lasting home for ourselves and our families.
