Warning – Not All Counseling is “Kosher”
It is not enough for a counselor to have the proper degrees, certification, and licensing. They must also have values in keeping with the Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) and be committed to helping and saving families and individuals in trouble. The following are actual stories from my practice told to me by Jewish clients who had seen other counselors before me who had destructive values or advice. (All identifying information has been changed.)
A husband and father experiencing marital difficulties went to his trusted family doctor for help. The well-meaning doctor referred him and his wife to a social worker. At the social worker’s office, the wife announced she wanted “out of the marriage.” The social worker/marriage counselor turned to the devastated husband and said, “Listen carefully to what your wife is saying.” In other words, just accept a divorce. Later, in a private consultation with this counselor, she tells him, “Your work is to overcome the fear of being alone.” Who cares about their relationship of twenty years and their three innocent children? Not this professional! She wanted them to get used to the idea that the marriage was over, even before exploring the problem and assessing if it could be fixed.
A young couple new to Yidishkeit (Judaism) turned to a non-observant Jewish therapist for help with their marriage. Amongst several topics discussed, the husband mentioned he was not completely comfortable with the required restrictions when observing the laws of nidah. The therapist encouraged the wife to be “flexible” and referred to the laws of nidah (female purity) as “barbaric.”
Another man, a father of two young children who had separated from his wife for six months, went to his Rabbi to ask him if he should reconcile or divorce. The Rabbi asked him, “Do you love your wife like you did when you first married her?” Confused by this question, he answered, “I don’t think so.” “Then,” the Rabbi instructed, “complete the cut and leave her.” Suppose life was only so simple!
An observant couple was having some difficulties with their intimate life. The wife went to talk things over with a psychologist. She explained to the psychologist that the “chemistry” wasn’t there. She wasn’t physically attracted to her husband. The psychologist recommended she find a “friend” outside the marriage.
An observant Jewish couple with four kids goes to the local secular Jewish family agency for help with their marriage. The “gentile therapist” privately tells the wife after meeting the husband only one time that she should get a divorce because the husband, in her opinion, is “controlling.” Again, there is no effort to understand and fix the problem and consider the consequences to everyone, especially the children, if there is a divorce.
Unfortunately, many people reaching out for help end up hurt by the very people they turn to. I hear more sad and tragic stories like these almost every other week.
In times past, society encouraged and even pressured people to marry and stay together, as the cliche says, “for better or worse.” This is no longer true. Living in a society called the “me generation,” we have been bombarded with misleading and incorrect information about the value of being autonomous, independent, indulgent, and free of other people. Unfortunately, these attitudes have permeated not only the minds and the attitudes of everyday people but also strongly influenced how “experts,” such as doctors, therapists, and lawyers, think about relationships, thereby affecting individuals, couples, and families in trouble. Currently, societies as a whole, together with many well-meaning individuals, are quick to give a nod of approval to someone wanting to get out of a difficult and unpleasant relationship. The thinking all too often is, “Don’t fix it. Throw it out.” Little thought is given to the lifelong hardship this irreversible event will have for everyone. Traditional barriers to divorce have been torn down, and it is now perfectly okay in many circles to divorce, even though research has demonstrated how destructive it is to everyone, especially children.
The starting place for a family in trouble is with a professionally trained “kosher” counselor. It is imperative that whoever assists families in trouble, be they Rabbis, teachers, doctors, lawyers, friends, or family, insist that professional and expert help is sought only from a frum (orthodox) therapist whose professional life is governed by Torah and not secular values. In most Jewish communities, such as ours, many people match these requirements. It should also be our goal that all Jewish individuals utilize their services, just as it is our goal that all Jewish people eat kosher.
With the right help and a sincere effort by all parties involved, every troubled marriage and family can be improved and, in most cases, brought to a mutually agreed-upon level of satisfaction and compatibility. We only need to try. As the Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) teaches, Hashem (G-d) will give us enormous help from above if we make a little effort below.
