The #1 Secret of a Great Marriage

Ahavas Yisroel (love for your fellow Jew) is the essence of Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries). The reason? Ahavas Yisroel (love for your fellow Jew) is the act of elevating the neshama (soul) over the guf (body) (see Lekutei Amarim Tanya, chapter 32). And this is the essence— “the secret”—to a great marriage. Let me explain. . .

When you decided to marry your partner, how did you expect them to treat you? And if they didn’t treat you this way—this was the deal breaker—there would be no marriage. Before continuing to read, take a moment to remember. What was the one thing that was absolutely necessary for you to agree to marriage? Answer: You wanted to be loved by your date. And if you thought they would treat you that way, you said “yes” to marriage. To break it down into parts: You wanted to be cherished, respected, treated kindly, understood, and valued. And your partner expected the same from you! If you each thought you would get this, you then went on to the chupa (marital canopy).

Your job, and your partner’s—after the chupa (marital canopy)—is to make your partner feel loved and fulfill the expectations that existed before the chupa (marital canopy). You do this by making your partner (and they you) feel cherished, respected, treated kindly, understood, and valued. You achieve this by making your partner the #1 person in your life—even before yourself. This is easy when you focus on their neshama (soul), not on their guf (body) (as explained in the Tanya, Book on Jewish Mysticism written by Alter Rebbe). Why? Because your partner’s guf (body) will always disappoint your guf (body). In other words, there is no way you or your partner will ever get everything that you want and expect from each other. When you prioritize the neshama (the soul), you are not disappointed and can give to your partner with a generous and loving heart.

This does not mean you agree or comply with everything your partner wants. It means what they want is more important than what you want. From your point of view, your husband’s or wife’s desires are spiritual compared to your material, self-focused desires. Living according to the Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) is valuing the spiritual (using the material so it becomes spiritual) over the physical (selfish base desires). A great marriage between a man and a woman means always actualizing this value within the relationship. When you make your husband or wife the #1 person in your life, this is the very act of Ahavas Yisroel (love for your fellow Jew). Their needs and well-being come first (before your own).

This is what you don’t do to your spouse:

• Dismiss what they want.
• Make them feel devalued. Their feelings are unimportant.
• Get angry/criticize/argue (This is the ultimate expression of selfishness. It’s all about me, me, and me. When you get angry, it’s because your partner is not doing what you want. You are saying loud and clear: “Me, not you, is the #1.” This is why the Gomorrah (Talmud) compares anger to idol worship—worship of self and not Hashem, G-d)
• Reject or neglect (Your partner married you to be in a relationship. You are abandoning your commitment when you deny this to them. This is especially true when the husband does this. The kesuba (marriage contract) obligates him to be close with his wife (the mitzvah of oneh).

This is what you do:

• Behave kindly.
• Behave respectfully.
• Try to understand your partner, especially their feelings (this is separate from agreeing or disagreeing).
• Communicate how you value having your partner in your life.
• Give your partner as much as you can (When you become aware that they want something, carefully evaluate if you agree it is appropriate and possible. If yes, do it. If not, seek a kind way to say “no.”

Each person needs something different. For one person, feeling valued (typically men) is the most important; for another, it is feeling cherished (typically women). A detailed list of what you and your partner need would likely be very long. Awareness of what your partner needs and helping them find fulfillment establish Sholom Bayis (peace in the house). To say it in another way, This is why your husband or wife married you. They were certain you would make them feel good and add value to their life (this is in addition to the mitzvahs (divine good deeds) of marriage and having children).

A conflicted marriage is one of the saddest things in the world. The disappointment and heartbreak is great. The belief, the hope, the prayer when standing under the chupah (marital canopy) is crushed. The promised kindness has turned to hostility. But it needn’t be that way. If this applies to you, start treating your husband or wife as the #1 person in your life and gradually watch peace and love establish themselves.

When Sarah expressed to Shimon how unhappy she was, he was initially very defensive. He wanted his wife to be happy and couldn’t listen to her describe her loneliness and sadness. Shimon’s close friend got him to confide why he was so dejected. He told Shimon to be strong, return to his wife, and ask her what she wanted. What was missing in their relationship that was making her unhappy? Shimon went to his wife and asked. She explained she wanted to spend more time talking to him. She wanted him to show more interest in her. Shimon decided to make changes. When he came home at night, instead of immediately going to do “his things,” he spent time with his wife, Sarah. He asked her how her day was and how she was feeling. What could he do to make her feel cared for? Sarah felt a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. Not only was Shimon spending more time with her, which is what she had asked for, but he also proved he cared by being sensitive to her needs. Shimon became Sara’s hero. Shimon demonstrated to his wife Sarah that she was the #1 person in his life. He had a little less time for “his things,” but knowing his wife was happy was of far greater importance. Shimon felt valued. This made him feel good. . . very good.

Now is your turn (and mine). Make your partner feel they are the #1 person in your life.