Dating for Marriage: Four Steps

1. Marriage provides an important reason for living

People everywhere live for their families. Family is everything. And making a family begins with “marriage.”

Living in a family automatically creates benchmarks and goals. Waking up in the morning and your day is already mapped out: For example, you go to work for your family’s sustenance and well-being; you find time to shop to take care of someone’s needs; and you rush home at the end of the day to assist family members. From work to shopping to home, your family is the compass that provides direction.

Marriage and family give life meaning. Meaning in life is important, and it helps inoculate you against many types of mental illnesses, such as depression and anxiety. Feeling that your life matters to others, and their lives matter to you, gives you self-esteem and hope for the future.

Dedication to the well-being of your spouse and children will see you through life’s trials and tribulations. You will overcome obstacles to a good life for you and your family with enthusiasm and personal satisfaction. You will do what it takes to ensure your family succeeds and each member is happy. This commitment to your family’s well-being will make your life meaningful.

Sadness and depression are the feeling that whatever a person does, it is without meaning and purpose. Happiness is the opposite of depression. Happiness is the feeling that your opinions, feelings, and actions count—that they matter. The more you feel this, the more you will live your life with dedication and passion. Living in a loving family nurtures these valuable emotions.

Whether you are a husband, wife, mother, or father—each “role” includes powerful instincts that motivate you to succeed. Your life is imperfect—likely peppered with disappointment and setbacks. But feeling challenged to accomplish your family “role” as a responsible and needed family member will motivate you to work hard to succeed. Even if the final achievement falls short of the desired goal, the hope and anticipation for success will give your journey meaning, comfort, and long-lasting satisfaction. Your “reason for living” increases exponentially when you are a valued and needed family member.

2. Marriage creates a lifetime friend

Marriage affords a person the greatest opportunity to achieve the highest degree of sharing, knowing another person, and being known. Sharing, understanding another person, and being known is what friendship is all about.

When your spouse is your best friend, you can safely share your inner feelings, behave silly, make mistakes, be quickly forgiven, and just be you (a “good” you—mostly kind and reasonable). You spend time with your partner, your best friend—and even when apart—you feel a kinship for each other. Physically, you are separated, but emotionally and spiritually, you are always together.

Without companionship, a person is lonely—painfully alone. Companionship, forged out of respect, hard work toward common goals, love, pleasure, and even sorrow, gives you a personal joy that cannot be acquired any other way. Only through the intimate sharing of two lives that span many years can a true relationship bond be formed. Marital friendship creates a deep and lasting pleasure.

It is natural for you to form an intimate friendship with your husband or wife. It is unnatural for it to be otherwise. If you do not feel your spouse is your “best buddy,” know that with a combined effort, you and your spouse can turn this situation around, getting to know and trust each other and reaping the blessings of a deep and lasting friendship.

3. Marriage offers healthy sexual expression

Humans, like animals, have powerful drives and instincts. One of the most powerful drives is the need for a sexual partner. However, the unrestricted and careless expression of the “sex instinct” will lead to trouble. This instinct must be carefully controlled. The legitimate, safe, and successful expression of sexual energy can only occur within a marriage. When these “instincts” are allowed healthy expression, sex is naturally fulfilling and mutually rewarding. Sexual intimacy is good for the mind, body, and soul. Feeling sexually fulfilled includes feelings of relaxation, love, contentment, and peacefulness. Sex is good—and marriage is necessary for its healthy and satisfying expression.

4. In marriage, you learn the skills needed to succeed socially

Marriage success requires excellent, top-notch social skills. Your husband or wife’s ongoing desire to be loved requires you to learn and maintain excellent interpersonal skills, character traits, and values. Without a partner and not feeling the pressure to love and be loved, you would never learn how to interact with others skillfully. The pressure to succeed in your relationship will force you to go against your natural selfish tendencies. Getting along successfully with your spouse challenges you to be selfless, kind, sensitive, and caring.

With effective relationship skills, you will enjoy a happy and long-lasting marriage. These skills will have a ripple effect, spreading your other relationships: other family members, friends, and work associates.

5. Marriage can heal emotional wounds

Growing up to adulthood is rarely perfect—without crisis or trauma. Many children and teens come to adulthood emotionally wounded. Common emotional injuries include lack of confidence, over-sensitivity, poor self-image, feelings of insecurity, and maladaptive attitudes and tendencies. A good marriage can heal most or all of this.

How does marriage offer emotional healing? Consider a boy raised by an emotionally cold and distant mother. When he dates, he seeks a girl that reminds him of his mother. Why, like his mother? Because he seeks a wife that will give him what his “mother” did not. Ironically, he is attracted to someone “cold and distant.” But she is like his mother. He hopes to get from her the “warmth” and “closeness” missing in his youth.

Dating leads to marriage. He anticipates that his new wife will fill in the emotional deficits acquired in childhood. Unconsciously, without his full knowledge, he seeks emotional healing. But his wife’s nature is “cold.” He married her because she appeared to him like his mother! Nevertheless, when he experiences her “coldness,” he is understandably disappointed.

They spend time together. They deepen their understanding of each other. Knowing him, his wife understands that his emotional health requires “warmth” and “closeness.” She feels his love. And in turn, she devotes herself to his well-being. She deliberately gives him the emotional medicine he needs to heal emotionally. He, in turn, learns about her. He deliberately gives her the emotional medicine that she requires to heal from her unique childhood and adolescent emotional wounds.

Marriage provides the opportunity for emotional healing. This great “medicine” only happens in a loving and caring marriage. And when it does, the results are two happy and healthy individuals that have successfully formed a satisfying and long-lasting relationship.

6. Marriage provides the best environment to raise children

Children benefit by having a mother and father present in their lives. Parents are nurturers, protectors, teachers, and role models. When it comes to raising children, four hands are better than two. Working as a team, parents can take turns, specialize in teaching particular skills or values, or increase the total amount of love, care, and attention a child receives.

A child absorbs particular emotional nutrients from a father that cannot be acquired from a mother. Likewise, certain emotional nutrients from a mother cannot be gotten from a father. When you and your spouse form a loving and cooperative relationship, your son or daughter is enriched with “male” and “female” strengths and sensitivities. Also, daily interaction with a father and a mother prepares the child for adulthood when skills and comfort with both genders are necessary. If, for whatever reason, you are a “single parent,” it is still possible to do an excellent job. It’s just much harder.

Making your marriage strong and keeping your family together is the best thing you can do for your children. Loving your spouse is also an act of loving your children. The greater your domestic tranquility, the healthier your children will be.

Marriage is the greatest joy that is to be found in life. When a soul descends into this world, it is divided into two parts; one part goes to a man, and the other goes to a woman. Finding your zivug, your perfect match, means these two parts will be reunited as one healthy and whole being.

This explains the tremendous joy of marriage—the two lost and separated soul halves are reunited. They start a family as one perfect whole comprised of two strong individuals. Then, in partnership with Hashem (G-d), the couple is blessed with children.

Marriage, like any journey, starts with the first step. And “dating” is the “first step” toward marriage. If you, or someone you know, is involved in “dating,” knowing the challenges and normal feelings that may occur can help make dating more successful.

Dating and marriage are two completely separate entities. Yes, dating leads to marriage, but being a great husband or wife has little to do with being a “great dater.” Successful dating requires its own set of skills. Also, typically, the feelings felt during dating are not predictive of what it would feel like to be married. This is an important point that must be kept in mind. Unfortunately, some sincere individuals find it difficult to become “engaged” because they assume their confusing “dating feelings” reveal what marriage will be like. They become frightened, experiencing significant emotional tensions, or worse, these “dating” feelings become obstacles to becoming engaged and married. Your challenge will be to separate your “dating feelings” from your true feelings about your potential mate.

Nobody is perfect. Nobody gets the perfect “mate.” But you will get the perfect “match.” And this is what matters. Know that Hashem (G-d) cares for you and that you will be given what is for you, the perfect match—precisely what you need to grow as a family and develop yourself spiritually. In this sense, there are no compromises. However, “dating reality” dictates that you be prepared to make some compromises. For example, suppose your parents are not esteemed Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) scholars. In that case, you will likely not have the opportunity to marry a boy or girl from a family of Torah scholars. If your parents divorced (even though they may both be wonderful people), matchmakers may tend to suggest boys or girls from other families that went through similar unwanted changes. If you have a health challenge, such as diabetes, you will likely be suggested dates that also have health challenges.

Naturally, everyone involved is looking for the best possible match for their loved one. Like a peacock spreading its feathers to catch the attention of an appropriate suitor, the hopeful “dater” wants to inform their potential mate of their assets, accomplishments, and good character traits. Here is a list of what is important when looking for a spouse. Certainly, you can (and should consider) modifying this list.

Most importantly, you should seek a shidduch (marriage match), finding your soul mate, as you would a lost item. You wouldn’t sit with your arms folded if you lost something important. Rather, you would actively search for the missing item. So, too, in finding your zivug, your perfect match. You need to exert considerable effort until they are found. And as our Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) promises, “If you try, you will succeed.” If you keep at it, you will be successful. As you know, increasing your learning of Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) (Torahas HaNigleh and Torahas HaChassidus) and the careful performance of Mitvzos (Divine good deed) are important ways to increase Divine Assistance.

Four steps to finding a marriage partner: 

1. Research

Somebody suggested a boy or girl for you to meet. They will likely have positive comments about the proposed date. But before you meet this date, a serious effort must be made to determine if this proposed boy or girl will meet your needs and standards. If thorough research is not performed, much time may be wasted, or worse, you may end up married to someone who will make sholom bayis (peace in the home), domestic peace, and harmony challenging to achieve. Once married, we understand your partner is your beshert, your perfect match Hashem (G-d) gave you. But before marriage, you have to make every effort to find the right person. You must get accurate information about the proposed date and their family to do so. Sometimes, this can be challenging. Unfortunately, not all the information you get will be 100% accurate. That is why it is necessary to interview as many people as possible so that you can gather all the points of view together, analyze them, and then determine if this proposed boy or girl is for you. If they are, then move on to arranging a time and place to meet. If they are unsuitable for you, respectfully decline a meeting. Your research should give you information about the following important details:

Family functioning. We all have G-d-given free will. Yet, not all of us are free from the patterns set during our formative years. Just as the mind is developed by schooling, the emotions are shaped by one’s family. Optimal emotional health is realized when an individual’s family is permeated with sholom bayis (peace in the home), domestic peace, and harmony.

Ideally, your prospective mate should come from a stable home where respect and love are commonplace. Suppose this was lacking, or there was a divorce, remarriage, an unwell parent, or other major relationship changes. In that case, you must ensure your prospective mate has overcome any emotional injuries they may have suffered when growing up.

Health. You need to determine that your potential mate is healthy physically and emotionally. Don’t be afraid to ask pointed questions if you have any suspicions. For example, does your proposed date take daily medication? If so, for what? Have they ever been hospitalized? If so, for what? Ask if your proposed date has ever experienced significant trauma in their life. If you get a “yes” answer, you must direct your research to determine if there has been any lasting injury. Ask about school attendance and performance. If it was less than “average,” find out why. What about work? Can they keep a job? These, and many other questions, must be answered before you meet. If, for whatever reason, you start dating and some questions have not yet been answered, continue asking. Dating doesn’t mean you automatically become engaged. It’s just a starting point. Keep asking until you feel you have the necessary answers.

You want your husband or wife to be healthy. Certainly, no one is perfect. But at least have all the facts before you agree to marry. Unfortunately, some people find out some surprising details only after marriage. Every reasonable effort should be made to avoid this.

Age. The ages of the two individuals should be similar. This is especially true when the girl is older than the boy. One reason is that if she ages sooner than him, she may seem less attractive in his eyes.

Generally speaking, individuals are most comfortable when the boy and girl are the same age or the boy is a year or two older. If the girl is somewhat older, check with a Rav. Also, if you are a boy, ensure you are comfortable with a wife older than you.

Personality. When asking others questions about the proposed date, getting good information about someone’s personality is difficult. Most people don’t know how to evaluate personality properly. Personality is very complex; even trained professionals have difficulties accurately defining it. For example, most people can not distinguish “shyness” from “introversion.” A person who is “shy” when they become socially comfortable can be very charming, outgoing, and warm, whereas an “introverted” will tend to always focus on solitary activities. Unless you get a clear-cut and loud reading about a particular personality trait that is a definite turn-off, it is best to actually meet the intended date and discover for yourself what they are like.

Emotional maturity. Personality tends to be a lifetime character trait—rarely does it change. On the other hand, emotional maturity develops over time and is constantly evolving. Nevertheless, you are not interested in marrying someone emotionally immature when ready to start a family. Some signs of emotional immaturity are:

● Won’t take responsibility
● Blames others for problems
● Sleeps late in the morning
● Can’t figure out what they want to do with their life
● Is excessively drawn to “fun” activities
● Has few friends
● Has a reputation for getting into conflict with others (parents, siblings, teachers, friends)
● Can’t save money
● Drives recklessly
● Quits when things become difficult

If you marry someone who is “emotionally immature,” you are headed for conflict and disappointment. The dating candidate may be a fine person, but they need time to mature. If you marry them when they are like an unripe fruit, by the time they “get it together,” your prior experience of disappointment or conflict may be difficult to overcome. If the proposed date is immature, move on.

Education. You and your spouse need to respect and honor each other. It becomes more challenging to do so if you have very different educational backgrounds. For example, suppose the boy went to public school for most of his life, and the girl went to a serious Jewish school and graduated with honors. In that case, she may have difficulty fully respecting the boy if he becomes her husband, and he will likely feel insecure compared to his wife. Although it can work out beautifully, it is a challenge. Put it on a scale and weigh it with everything you have learned about this proposed date.

Physical appearance. This factor is essential. Physical intimacy is crucial to a healthy and happy marriage. And physical attractiveness is a prime ingredient in a healthy and satisfying intimate life. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is a well-known saying. Thus, you must recognize for yourself what is attractive to you. However, remember the “dating reality.” If you are overweight or your physical appearance is not your strongest quality, don’t expect to marry someone who could win a beauty contest. If you are unrealistic, you may never get past being “single.” Accept compromise. As important as physical attraction is, it is not everything. Hashem (G-d) will help when you need to be attracted. Marry for many other important reasons; Hashem (G-d) will help you do the rest. Certainly, if the person’s appearance turns you off—move on. Sometimes, you may need to meet the proposed date to determine if you are attracted.

Financial status. Money and material acquisition are not the goals of life. Truthfully, this factor should be completely unimportant. And for many people, it is. But for some, it is not. Certainly, you need enough to sustain yourself and your family comfortably. Beyond that, money is a blessing from Hashem, and you will be tested on how you use any wealth you are given. Still, money can be a problem. For example, if you are a man, and you have come from a financially modest home and choose to marry a woman from a wealthy family, she may place extreme pressure on you to replicate the material wealth she had when growing up. This burden may crush you. Be realistic; if it seems unlikely you can provide for her how she has grown accustomed to, or you will have to go to her father to seek financial help, seriously consider moving on.

As a general rule, look for someone who comes from a financial background similar to yours. Certainly, financial differences need not be “deal-breakers.” Put it on the scale with everything you have gathered, and consider it one more factor to help you decide the appropriateness of the proposed date.

Religiosity. You need to be comfortable in your marriage. You do not want conflict. Arguments and disappointment often burden couples that have significant religious differences. For example, if you are very “black hat,” don’t look for a mate that is “modern.” Or, if you want to live a very secluded life in a segregated Jewish community, don’t look for a husband or wife who desires to be part of the greater non-Jewish society. If you marry with such substantial value differences, you will likely experience future problems making sholom bayis (peace in the home), domestic peace, and harmony difficult.

Relationship with G-d. You want a partner that is yerai shamimim, G-d fearing. When someone is strongly connected to G-d, they will take seriously the Torah’s directives on how one Jew is to treat another, how a husband is to treat a wife, and a wife a husband. Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) is G-d’s Wisdom. Within its pages are essential guidelines on creating sholom bayis (peace in the home), a peaceful and happy marriage. Although extremely important, academic Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) knowledge is insufficient to make a good husband or wife. You want your spouse to be a “mentch,” a good person—right here in the real world. You will have a successful and happy life together when your spouse has good middos, excellent character traits. The greater their respect and attachment to G-d, the greater the likelihood they will be the type of person you can love and love you.

To this point, you have gathered the information necessary to decide the appropriateness of meeting the proposed Boy or Girl (Man or Woman). Even if you choose to meet, you must continue to gather more and more information to help you decide if this is your ziviug, your soul mate. Marriage is a serious business, and you can’t take the chance of making a mistake because you have not done your due diligence (necessary effort). Until you are engaged, research should continue. Once you meet and decide to continue dating, you must seriously gather additional information. Now, you have the advantage that you can carefully observe your date firsthand. This phase in the dating process is called “discovery.”

2. Discovery

You are on your first, second, or more dates. Have fun. Relax and enjoy yourself. When you can do this, it is a good sign that this person you are dating may be right for you. However, keenly observe everything that happens. What you gather is important information that will help you make the big decision and answer the question: “Is he or she my beshert, my perfect mate given to me by Hashem?” As you meet—talk, make arrangements, do things together—carefully note the following:

Decisions are shared. You both decide where and what time to meet. Is your date comfortable when they don’t get their way? You want to be married to someone who values your opinion, is willing to put you first, and, with a smile, accepts limitations to their freedom.

Feelings can be shared. When you discuss your feelings, do they listen? Or do they jump in with a comment that negates what you are trying to say? How you and your partner talk with each other will likely be the most important part of your relationship. When you feel safe and comfortable sharing your feelings, it is easy to feel close to each other.

Opinions are rarely given. A person who gives “opinions” freely is likely difficult to get along with. Strong “opinions” may indicate a strong and uncompromising will. Preferable is someone who only occasionally expresses their opinion or does so when asked.

Has opinions. You don’t want someone dead inside or insecure and can’t assert themselves. You want an interesting partner that has a sense of self. Find someone who knows himself or herself and is not afraid to share his or her point of view when appropriate.

Be careful if your date is trying too hard to show you their good points, which sounds like boasting or bragging. Being married to a person like this may lead to a superficial relationship. Also, once married, they may turn their attention away from you to impress others. You want someone secure and confident and does not have an excessive need to show off. Rather, you want their focus to be on you and the family.

Can relax. Initially, both of you are likely to be on edge. Meeting strangers is difficult enough, but being of the opposite sex raises the stress level. However, after a few dates, you should start relaxing. If not, perhaps your date has a nervous or high-strung disposition. Being married to them may be challenging if they are constantly “on edge.” Marriage includes the ability to enjoy life together, and only a relaxed person can successfully enjoy life.

Sensitive. You want to marry someone that is going to pay attention to you. You want them to understand your feelings, care about your needs, and make every effort to make you happy. On your date, notice the little things that happen. Does your date wait to eat until you have your food or drink? When walking, do they try to walk with you? When ending a phone conversation, do they do so with sensitivity to your feelings? Do they ask you questions if they don’t understand what you mean or want? Do they speak respectfully about other people? How do they treat servers or cab drivers? The little daily behaviors add up and will determine how you would feel together if you were married.

Confident. Do they look you in the eyes when talking? Are they comfortable when you have an opinion that is different from theirs? Or do they debate, trying to get you to agree with their point of view? A confident person does not have to convince others that they are correct. Can they seem to make decisions on their own? Certainly, they may need to consult others on significant decisions, but not minor ones. Are they willing to try new things?

A confident person is a healthy person. A person who lacks confidence is prone to low self-esteem and perhaps anxiety and depression. Confidence is a sign of emotional health, and you want to marry someone who is physically healthy and, equally important, emotionally healthy.

No anger. When there is anger, there can be no love. Everyone occasionally becomes “angry,” even if the goal is always to remain calm. It’s unlikely your date will openly become angry with you because they know they will never see you again, ruining their reputation. What you are looking for is patterns. Listen carefully to what they say. Do they talk negatively about other people? Do they angrily blame others for their disappointments? Are they proud that they have stood up for themselves with others? Do they talk about being angry at parents, teachers, friends, and neighbors? These are warning signs that this person may have a problematic anger problem if they do.

You cannot have a happy life if you are married to an angry person. If you notice “anger,” talk to others who know your date. Try to find out if this is a pattern. If you suspect your date—man or woman—is prone to anger, move on and find someone else.

Positive disposition. You want to marry a reasonably happy, content, and optimistic person. Marriage to you should not be the source of their happiness. This would put too much pressure on you to feel responsible for keeping them happy. You can contribute to his happiness, as they do to yours, but you cannot be responsible. A sad person is no fun to be around. Look for someone who is generally happy with their life. Then you can enjoy their company.

If you are a woman, nurturing comes easy and naturally. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking: “He is unhappy, but when I marry him, I will make him happy. Together, we can solve all his problems. I will ‘nurture’ him, and we will have a great life together.” Doing so will create a dangerous, unstable, and unhealthy situation. Many women have unfortunately tried to “cure” their men and ended up drowning along with him. If he cannot care for himself, that is, make himself happy and successful, move on.

Your personal feelings. During the dating period, you experience “real life.” You are in a relationship with someone you may or may not marry. Much is at stake. Choosing a person to marry is likely the most critical decision you will ever make. Typically, your feelings will be jumping from one extreme to the next. This is normal. And they are not predictive of how you might feel once married. They are “dating feelings.” Not “married feelings.”

After several dates, you need to sort out your feelings. You need to understand how you feel about your date, separate from the emotional intensity of dating and feelings from realizing you are making the most important life decision. There are no precise formulas on how to do this. Every person is different. Some people can sort out their feelings by talking to others, whereas others need time to think.

If you are having difficulties figuring out your feelings, consider taking a break for a few weeks to see if you miss your date and they, you. Have no contact whatsoever. Do you miss them? Are you eagerly looking forward to resuming contact? If so, these are good signs that you have positive feelings.

Certainly, if you have strong feelings of dislike, even if they seem irrational, pay attention to them. This is true even if your “advisors” are telling you otherwise. If those feelings persist and you marry, you will likely face problems. But if you have pleasant feelings for the boy or girl, and positive data comes from your research and dating, he or she is a good candidate for marriage. Marriage requires the development of strong attachment and love. This can only come over time. But certainly, you should at least enjoy being around your date, talking to them, and doing things together. Positive feelings and mutual attraction are essential before the next step.

Some girls expect that they should feel strongly in love with the boy before they agree to marry him. This is unrealistic. Love comes from shared experiences over time. You cannot love someone after meeting them five or ten times. You can become infatuated but not in love. “Infatuation feelings” often come from physical attraction and imagining certain things about the other person that may or may not be true. You don’t have to have feelings of infatuation. If you do or don’t, it is likely more of a reflection of your emotional state and has little to do with him. The decision to marry should be based on your research and dating experience.

If something you have found out about your partner turns you off or worries you, now i/s the time to end the dating. It is understood that dating is an effort to “get the facts” about a potential mate. To the best of your ability, try not to feel personally insulted or hurt when a dating cycle is called off. This may be difficult, but try to be objective and optimistic about the future for your well-being. When you are ready, seek another potential mate. G-d willing, this next one will be your bashert, the person chosen by Hashem (G-d) for you.

Accept as is. When you consider entering into a lifetime relationship with a marital partner, it is essential that you consider them “fully acceptable and attractive” as they are now. Entering into a lifetime relationship believing that you can change and make your partner better is likely to cause serious marital problems. When married, if you try to change your partner, you will likely be disappointed and resentful. It is best to move on if they are not acceptable as they are now, even though they have many fine qualities.

3. Negotiation

When it has been determined that you both have concluded you are seriously considering marriage, you need to talk about what you would like your future to be like. Make sure you are both in agreement on the following fundamental values and goals.

● Where to live
● Future work or study
● Having children
● Type of schooling for your children
● Career
● Financial goals
● Religious objectives
● Health requirements
● Disclosure of negative facts (ask a Rav if you are not sure if you should reveal them or not)

If you can agree on the above issues, you are ready to consider becoming engaged seriously. Discuss all the above details with your parents, the matchmaker, or other trusted advisors. Consider all you have learned about the person. Keep in mind that no one is perfect. Only Hashem (G-d) is “perfect.”

You have done your best to determine if this is your zivug, your perfect match. If you conclude they are, now is the time to push away any lingering doubts. Trust Hashem (G-d). Believe He will assist you in successfully moving forward. Working everything out in your mind in every eventuality and detail is impossible. Hashem (G-d), so to speak, has Broad Shoulders; let him carry any doubts you may have. Think positive, and in the end, G-d Willing, all will be positive.

If green lights are shining in each direction you look, and your “date” feels the same positive feelings about you as you feel about them, you have found your bashert, your perfect match. MAZEL TOV. When you both become aware of each other’s feelings, now is the time to make it official. This is called becoming “engaged.”

The boy proposes, the girl accepts, and your emotional worlds turn upside down. You have begun the most important journey in your life. Private dating becomes public, and everyone celebrates.

4. Engagement

Once you are “engaged,” all research stops. You have found your beshert, your perfect match given to you by Hashem (G-d). This is not the time to develop your relationship. This time will come soon enough. Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) gives special significance to developing a strong bond between you and your partner-to-be. It is called shana reshona, the first year of marriage. This is the time to create an everlasting foundation of love and trust. Now, the time before the wedding is when you, together with your parents, make all the hundreds of practical decisions and arrangements. This important time before the wedding includes preparing yourself spiritually by learning Chassidus, the inner dimension of the Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries), and Halacha, laws of marriage.

Stay in contact with your chosson, groom or kalla, bride. Be sensitive to their feelings. But keep your contact brief and to the point. After the chupa, there will be plenty of time to get to know each other better. Your primary goal is to get to the chuppa confidently, the wedding ceremony.

During the engagement period, it is common to have doubts and question your decision to marry or marry this particular person. This is normal and understandable. Likely, together with your joy and excitement, there is also fear. Sometimes, this “fear” can overcome you and make you anxious. Talk to those that love you. Let them reassure you. When wonderful things are happening, sometimes, temporary feelings of anxiety appear. This is normal. Now is the time to trust in Hashem (G-d). Do your best to stop worrying. You have done your part—found your bashert (G-d given perfect marriage partner_—now let Hashem do His.

MAZEL TOV. Get ready to build an everlasting Jewish home—a home for you, your spouse, your children, and Hashem. MAZEL TOV.