Love Or Commitment?
Love is not discussed in graduate classes or written about in professional books. It is a confusing topic to many people. In these hedonistic times of sensual gratification, you often think of love as synonymous with passion.
Confusing love with passion is easy. Men feel loving and loved when they are physically intimate with their partner. Women feel ‘loving’ and ‘loved’ when they are emotionally close to their partner. As important as they are to a relationship, these powerful feelings of passion often do not lead to sustainable love.
Feeling loving and loved is easy during the first months of marriage since intimacy occurs frequently in males and females. Youthful vigor and the absence of children make an active, intimate life easy. If these pining and passionate feelings are called love, it is no wonder many mature couples feel out of love. Mature couples have children, careers, and responsibilities and often have very limited time to experience an intimate relationship and thereby stoke the flames of passion.
Passion has an essential place in marriage. However, it is extremely limited. If a relationship is based primarily on passion, what happens when passions wane—as it always will? What happens when partners age, don’t look as attractive, and are not as active as they were in their teens or twenties? If love is not exclusively passion, what then is it? What can sustain a relationship through even the dark winters of life?
The answer is commitment. Commitment is a selfless love that is not based on sensual pleasure. The question of what I get out of it is not asked. It is a love that is so powerful that no matter what happens, there will always be dedication and loyalty. Commitment is an expression of love that supersedes all passion.
Expressions of passion make you feel good and are extremely important to a marriage, but they are not the glue that will hold a family together. You greatly appreciate your partner providing good food, attention, and gifts. It makes you feel good, satisfies your ego, and strengthens your self-esteem. Higher love is when you are dedicated and loyal to your partner, even when you don’t always get these things. Commitment is the love that keeps families together. Unfortunately, many marriages are not based on selfless love, which is why some sadly end in divorce.
Real-Life Case Example From My Files (details changed to ensure confidentiality)
Mary was highly insecure. She was emotionally abandoned as a child. She felt so bad about herself that people always wanted to escape her. She was hypersensitive to any act that her husband Ryan did that seemed to her to create distance. For example, if Ryan drank a single beer, she felt abandoned, like he had gone to another world—he was high, and she was not. Mary would then viciously and mercilessly verbally attack Ryan because she perceived that he was abandoning her. Ryan would then counterattack with swearing and name-calling and afterward would emotionally withdraw. Mary would quickly get over her outburst, but Ryan would pout for days. Ryan’s withdrawal would then evoke in Mary even more feelings of abandonment, and she would then attack all over again. This pattern consumed the majority of their days together. They were ready to end their marriage. They could not even attend marriage counseling sessions together because of the Avolatile@ nature of their relationship.
I saw Ryan alone. I pointed out that if he only reassured Mary of his commitment to her, she would feel more secure and would not attack. By doing this, they could short-circuit this battle pattern. I told him he could start by giving her flowers and a note that he loved her. He told me he could not, saying I didn’t feel like it, I am angry with her, I can’t do it.
Ryan was a very successful salesman. We discussed how he influenced people to make a sale even when he did not like the customer or felt like doing something else. I told him he should have the same attitude toward Mary. I told him to approach her even if he didn’t feel like it. After several sessions, he resolved to go beyond his personal feelings and send her a gift and write a note reassuring her of his love and commitment to her. Daily, he continued this selfless behavior. After several weeks, they were like a new couple. The vicious fights of the past had disappeared.
By acting on his commitment to Mary, over and above his personal feelings, Ryan learned that he improved his marriage significantly.
A marriage that has selfless commitment at its core is strong and stable. Then, even personal gratification within the context of this commitment and security will be a much more rewarding and deeply felt experience.
Our commitment to G-d, informs us that we behave correctly regardless of how we feel. When we actualize this Torah Wisdom (Wisdom from the Jewish Bible and it’s commentaries) and make it one of our core values, we will see something deep in our partner that will supersede any momentary, circumstantial, or superficial considerations. When our commitment is rooted in our spirituality, our marital relationship will be strong in everlasting.
