Is Sholom Bayis a Communal Responsibility?
The pain and suffering that a family goes through when there is chronic marital strife and breakdown is enormous. Not only do the two combatants, the husband and wife, experience the most excruciating emotional pain, but also the children, who are completely innocent victims, are deeply shaken. Children look to their parents for safety and love. When there is chronic marital conflict (anger, depression, vindictiveness, and confusion), children are deeply affected. Because of their tender age, they feel like they live in an unending and inescapable horror. Their two parents, whom they instinctively turn to for love and security, are no longer there. Instead, they are wrapped up in their own struggle for psychic survival. Because they are young and therefore have limited resources to make life better for themselves, they are trapped helplessly, trying to cope with this horror. They are permanently wounded, and perhaps some are even scarred for life.
Sometimes, this sad scene is followed by separation and divorce. Although this may seem a reasonable solution to the husband and wife, it typically worsens things. When separation and divorce occur, children are often used as pawns in a cruel game to hurt the “enemy spouse.” The family is driven toward poverty, and frequently, the family home is sold. Typically, the mother who maintains custody of the children is forced to work full-time. When she comes home, she has little left for her children. Although she makes a noble and courageous effort to manage the home and attend to the children’s emotional, educational, behavioral, and spiritual needs, she falls far short due to a lack of resources and energy. A divorce leaves everyone feeling lonely, abandoned, bitter, and frightened. And sadly, the trauma of divorce never really ends. The bitter dispute and bruised feelings continue for years and years. In many families, it becomes a multi-generational pathology. It is a tragic trauma never to be forgotten or left behind. Of course, every divorce has unique details and events, but for most families, the common denominator is years of pain, loss, and suffering.
Remarriage—a new husband or wife and a step-parent for the children—seldom works quickly or well. Now, there is a new painful trauma to come to terms with. One also, which continues for years. Likely more salt on an open wound.
Families are the cornerstone of the Jewish nation. They are the dwelling place for Hashem (G-d), where succeeding generations of Jews are born, educated, and prepared for society and divine service. The harmonious relationship between a wife and husband creates a healthy atmosphere for each family member’s physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual development—from young to old.
How much effort should we use—as a community, Rabbi, individual—to help distressed families? Consider the following story:
A married woman was once sent away from her home by her angry husband. She had been in the synagogue listening to a Devar Torah (Torah lecture) by Rabbi Meir, and she had returned home very late. The angry husband had been waiting for his Shabbos meal. He sent her away, telling her not to return until she spit in the Rabbi’s face. Of course, the woman did not intend to spit in the Rabbi’s face; she couldn’t bring herself to be so disrespectful and humiliate both herself and Rabbi Meir.
All the neighbors were talking. Everyone was upset about what had happened to this woman. Rabbi Meir was informed by Ruach HaKodesh (a heavenly voice) about this rift in Shalom Bayis (peace in the home) between the woman and her husband. He was very distressed that, in some way, he had inadvertently contributed to this woman’s marriage problems and that now she and her husband were separated.
Rabbi Meir sought out the woman, and when he found her, he pretended that his eyes had suddenly become ill. He then announced that “any woman who knows how to say a prayer for the healing of the eyes come to him.” The neighbors told the woman to go and say a prayer for the Rabbi’s eyes and then spit in his face to make peace with her husband. She went to Rabbi Meir, but when he asked her if she knew a prayer for his eyes, she became fearful and answered, “No.” He then told her to spit in his eyes seven times as a cure. So she spit in his eyes seven times. He then said, “Go and make peace with your husband and tell him you said to spit in the Rabbi’s face one time, and you did so seven times.”
How much effort as a community should we make? The answer is clear. As much as necessary.
Here are a few practical suggestions of how you or an organization can help:
1. Sponsor marriage counseling sessions for a needy couple.
2. Organize educational classes.
3. If someone comes to you for help, and you can’t help them, find out who can and send them there.
4. Give appropriate reading material to those in need.
5. Don’t look the other way when it comes to your attention that a family is in trouble. Seek a way to help.
6. Promote community awareness.
7. Encourage marriage education classes and accessible advice for newly married couples.
