The Best Way To Build Peace In The Home
When you and your partner are givers and not takers, you build a healthy relationship. Giving attracts. Oppositely, selfishness repels. After two individuals have lived together for a long time, emotional appeal gradually overshadows physical attraction. When you and your partner appear in each other’s minds as an “emotionally attractive and desirable individual,” you will enjoy being with each other in many ways: camaraderie, planning activities, working, playing, and romance.
Successfully giving is the best way to become attractive and desirable to your partner. If you convince your partner that you love and care for them, they will naturally be attracted to you in all ways. Giving seems simple, but it is not always. Successful giving is measured not by the giver but by the receiver. A startled husband tells his wife, “I thought you wanted a toaster.” She replies, “Yes, but not for my birthday.”
People have “love triggers.” If you want to succeed in giving, make sure you push a love trigger. Pushing a “love trigger” makes your partner feel loved and cared for. For example, one person may feel loved if they are taken to a pleasant place, another receiving a gift, another person when you give them a helping hand, and another providing them with a delicious meal. These are all acts of “giving,” and when matched to the recipient’s desires, each one pushes a love trigger.
In my Marriage Improvement Clinic, countless well-meaning individuals confuse what ‘they want’ with what they assume their partner wants. However, we are all individuals, and what you want likely is NOT what your partner wants. She bought him a beautiful tie because she loves clothes. He doesn’t like clothing. For him, putting on clothes is a chore and not something to focus on. A silk tie had no value for him. In his mind, the fact that his wife bought him a tie meant she didn’t know him, and so he was now upset with her! He bought her an exercise bike. He knows being overweight is unhealthy and that it bothers her. She was insulted, thinking he was upset with her weight. She wondered that perhaps he no longer finds her attractive. Instead of pushing a “love trigger,” he pushed the “rejection trigger!” She always makes it a point to ask detailed questions about his day at work. She appreciates when he asks her. He gets angry when she asks him. He wants to forget about his work experience when he comes home and feels when she asks about his day, she is insensitive to his feelings.
Sometimes, failing to push a love trigger is because of poor communication. He looked at a tourist brochure and asked, “Do you want to go to the Woodworking Museum? She said, “Fine.” After investing travel time to and from the Woodworking Museum and a couple of hours in the museum itself, to his surprise (and horror), she told him she didn’t want to go to the Woodworking Museum. When he had asked her if ‘she wanted to go to the Woodworking Museum,’ she thought that meant he wanted to go. When he asked her if she wanted to go to the Woodworking Museum, he wanted to know if ‘she wanted to go,’ and if she did, he would take her as a gift of kindness, as a way to push her love trigger. He had no interest in going to the Woodworking Museum. He was responding to an earlier complaint when she said he ‘never takes her anywhere.’ Each thought they were giving to the other! Ultimately, each got nothing except frustration, irritation, and unnecessary loss of time.
You can make your marriage great. Learn your partner’s love triggers; ask questions, observe, and learn from experience. Pushing love triggers makes you emotionally attractive and desired by your partner.
If you and your partner have been in conflict and there is tension between you, pushing each other’s love triggers is an excellent way to leave the past behind and restart your once-happy marriage. How do you achieve a marriage a reboot? Increase your “giving.” When you and your partner continually give, this will create a momentum that will culminate in positive thinking about each other, which is at the core of a happy marriage.
To quicken the positive results of your decision to be givers, try this simple exercise: At a time when you and your partner won’t be disturbed, take a pen and write at the top of a sheet of paper, “I feel loved and cared for when you: “Now list the things your partner can do to make you feel loved and cared for. Your partner should do the same. After you have completed your list, the two of you should exchange them. With your partner’s list in your hands, use it for a reference guide, and do for your partner at least one item each day as a gift. The more love triggers you push, the quicker your relationship will be completely rehabilitated. You will have a loving, passionate, and long-lasting relationship when you continue to push your partner’s love triggers over many months and years.
Torah Jewish bible and commentaries) teaches that G-d is only present in a person’s life when there is peace and harmony in a person’s home. In other words, blessings come when a family is at peace. Being a “giver” is one of the best ways to achieve this spiritual goal.
Your marriage is your most significant investment. Protect it by ensuring the love remains alive throughout its duration — be a giver!
