Feelings Count
A husband and wife’s harmonious and supportive emotional life is very important. The feelings a husband and wife have towards each other directly impact how they cooperate, parent, speak, and create a home atmosphere. Also, if there are children, their emotional development is directly affected.
One of the main reasons Hashem (G-d) gave us the Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) is to bring peace into the world. Sholom Bayis (peace in the house) is the revelation of peace within one’s home. The Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) instructs us how to bring peace and avoid strife. The Torah (Jewish bible and commentaries) is very critical of anyone insensitive and emotionally abusive towards their partner. In the Shulchan Aruch HaRav (Code of Jewish Law by the first Lubavitcher Rebbe), we find the following warning: It is necessary to be very careful not to abuse one’s wife. Not to cause her pain with [harsh] words. Her tears come quickly, and the abuser will be quickly punished. Although this Halacha is speaking to the husband, it is understood that it also applies to a wife’s behavior toward her partner. Hashem wants positive feelings between a husband and wife. Both partners need to be mindful of this goal.
There are several reasons why emotional distance may exist between partners. Sometimes, it is just a failure to understand each other’s needs. The following true story illustrates how improved communication alone brought one couple more emotional closeness.
Larry and Sue (names and details are changed to ensure confidentiality) arranged marriage counseling with me. Sue, a woman in her late twenties, nervously tugged on her pearl necklace. After brief introductions and small talk, she began: “Abe, I called you because I don’t know if I can continue living with Larry. Larry walks out whenever we have a problem instead of talking it through. The problem is never solved, and I question his commitment.” Larry, shaking with emotion, responds: “I love Sue and am terrified to lose her. But her temper drives me away. When she gets upset, she raises her voice, shouts insults at me, and, on more than one occasion, has thrown things around the house. Sometimes, this happens even in front of the kids. I feel so humiliated.”
I checked with Sue to see if she agreed with the facts as Larry presented them. She does. I then ask her to describe in detail what happens when she is furious with Larry. Next, I invite her to experience it and move into that feeling here in my office. Her voice raises with rage as she accuses Larry of ignoring her and not being there for her. Shortly, Sue broke into tears, and I handed her a tissue. I ask her what she is feeling behind all that anger. Shaking, she answers: “I feel alone, like no one cares. Like when I was a kid, and my parents punished me by sending me to my room.”
“What is it, Sue, that you need most when you feel like that?” I ask. “Reassurance, comforting words, closeness,” Sue replied. I asked Larry, “Can you comfort your wife now? Can you be there with her when she needs you? Can you talk to her now?” Moving his chair toward Sue, he responds: “Sue, I never knew you wanted my support. I always thought you wanted me to get lost when you were angry. From now on…”
In this session, Larry and Sue learned something significant. Sometimes, our actions don’t accurately reflect our true feelings; they can even betray our real needs. When Larry understood the true meaning behind Sue’s outbursts, i.e., that she needed comfort, he could respond to her differently. Instead of walking out and aggravating the situation, he now chose to move closer to her. When Sue experienced Larry’s sincerity in trying to comfort and support her, she realized she had also misread the situation’s “walking-out” because he thought she wanted him to “get out,” not because he wasn’t committed or wanted to avoid her.
In these few minutes, Larry and Sue took a giant leap toward a more meaningful and satisfying marital relationship. They learned to “check out” each other’s inner thoughts and feelings rather than make assumptions and act mindlessly. Incorrect assumptions almost always create negative emotions and divisiveness.
In most cases, a couple can make improvements on their own. You can take some time, informal or scheduled, and ask your partner to take a minute or two to reflect and communicate what is behind a negative emotion. You might learn something shocking and valuable to your marriage and demonstrate that you care.
