Anger and Love Don’t Mix
Some people think arguments between husbands and wives are a reasonable and necessary part of marriage. This is not true. The goal should be never to express anger, bicker, or argue. Some couples have achieved this ideal. And if you and your spouse have not achieved an anger-free home, it should be your goal.
Anger has many faces. It can be expressed as yelling, criticism, sarcasm, silent rejection, revenge, or cruelty. Often, anger is expressed in a concealed way to avoid detection. Regardless, the recipient of the anger attacks is hurt, and the relationship is injured.
As you try to avoid sickness, you should try to avoid expressions of anger. However, like illness, when it comes, you deal with it, understanding it is part of life.
As well, if anger is present despite your best efforts, acknowledge it, and move on. A healthy person can easily survive the flu, but a weak person cannot. The same is true for your relationship. If it is strong, it will endure the occasional mistake by you or your spouse, even though your goal is to be anger-free.
Successful marriages are built with “love” and “respect.” The balance between “love” and “respect” differs for each gender. A woman mostly needs to feel she is “loved,” whereas a man needs to feel that he is “respected.” A woman feels “loved” when her husband prioritizes her, seeks to spend time with her, is sensitive to her feelings, is upbeat, and protects her. When a woman feels loved, she will naturally dedicate herself to her husband’s well-being. A man feels “respected” when his wife seeks his opinion, is attentive to his needs, agrees when possible, offers praise for his actions, and seeks ways to take care of him. When a man feels loved, he naturally works hard to make his wife happy.
A stable and happy relationship will develop naturally when each individual contributes to his or her partner’s well-being. However, anger will drive a wedge between you and your partner, making these positive feelings impossible. A person cannot feel loving and naturally respectful toward someone “attacking” with anger. Of the two, anger is stronger and will push away all positive feelings. Anger will fill the home with hostility and mistrust, and family members exposed to anger will prefer to be anywhere other than home. Anger is love’s poison. Simply put, if you want a happy marriage and emotionally healthy and content family members, keep the anger out of your home. (If you don’t want this, something is wrong with you, and you should get help!) Fortunately, this tragedy caused by angry expressions is preventable. Here are three tips to help you remain calm at all times:
1. Never blame anyone else for your anger. You choose how you respond to any situation. You can choose to be calm.
2. Know yourself well enough to identify when you are becoming angry. Everyone is different. Some recognize anger building when their mind fills with negative thoughts, whereas others feel tension in their body. There are many other signs that anger is brewing. Know yourself!
3. When you recognize anger “taking over,” quickly take action to prevent it from getting to the point where it is expressed. Find ways to stay calm, such as going for a walk, listening to music, not talking, or distracting yourself.
Expressions of anger create fear in those exposed to it. No one wants to live in a fearful place or be around someone they fear. Instead, influence members of your family with love and understanding. When you do this, they will enjoy being home and seek your presence.
Jewish ethics compares anger to idol worship. When angry, a person becomes very self-centered, forgetting about G-d. An angry person will also lie, embarrass, hurt, abuse, and even hate. Anger leads to many sins. Should anger appear as an unwanted guest in your home, quickly show it the way out. Make your home a place where family members feel safe and seek to spend time. Protect your valued relationships and preserve your connection with G-d. Reject anger.
